Still – as in continued… As in peaceful

Let me start with the truth –

NOTHING has changed since my last post.

Well…almost nothing has changed.
I’m still living in my parent’s house. (you have no idea how hard it is for me to keep saying that – three months from turning 30) I’m still working as a cashier.  I’m still without a full-time ministry position.

However…
I can say my mindset has changed…if ever so slightly.

Yes, we managed to make it through our first Christmas without my grandmother.  It was actually a mostly happy occassion.  We managed to keep her memory alive with continued traditions and shared memories.  Couldn’t have asked for more, really.  Other than a couple extra days off work.

So…this post…
instead a year-in-review will be more of a quick look forward.

This year will be one of change…I feel it in my bones.

This will be the year I finally complete the first draft of my novel…all 10+ chapters I’ve had in progress over the last four years.  I will finally get it to a readable manuscript that can then be sent to agents.  I promise!

This will be the year I move out.  Whether I finally find a full-time ministry job or not.  I’ll be out of the house – doing something other than cashiering before next Christmas!  I promise.

This will be the year I keep a log of all the books I read.  I will, via Facebook or written journal (or maybe both), keep a log of titles, ratings and occassional reviews of said books read.  And I will read at least a chapter a day (if not more).

Most importantly –
This will be the year I continue to trust in God’s leading and timing for the plans of my life.  This is the year I will surrender my will to His completely!

 

Book of the moment:  The Girl Who Played with Fire by Stieg Larsson

Album of the moment: This is What We Believe by Aaron Shust

Song of the moment:

 

 

2011 in review

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2011 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

The concert hall at the Syndey Opera House holds 2,700 people. This blog was viewed about 15,000 times in 2011. If it were a concert at Sydney Opera House, it would take about 6 sold-out performances for that many people to see it.

Click here to see the complete report.

A Year with Aslan: Day 29 – Asking for Help

I have to admit – this blogging is becoming a bit tedious – at least with trying to come up with something to say about the reading from The Chronicles of Narnia.  I mean, as much as I LOVE the writings by C.S. Lewis – I’m just not sure I can pull off 365 days worth of writing material, not even with the “thought-provoking” questions provided with every excerpt. 

Like, today’s reading was about King Tirian (The Last Battle) asking for help in his time of need (He’s been tied to a tree by a monkey’s minions – I’d say he’s pretty desperate)…pleading with Aslan to send the children to save Narnia like he’d done before…
And the question: Why do you think Tirian feels stronger after asking for help, even though there were no signs that help was coming?

How am I supposed to blog about that?  I mean, really….
And who would want to read it, considering I could come up with something to write.

I’m all for keeping my readership up – what readership I may have – but I’m not sure this is the best way to do it.
I was under the impression I needed a gimmick….a theme…something to keep this blog-thing together.  (You know the whole Julie/Julia thing – one year, 500+ recipes…BOOM she gets a book/movie deal)  Obviously I want some of that magic.  So far…this ain’t it.  At least…not for now.

I’m not sure what…if any…theme/gimmick would work for me.
I mean…seriously, I WANT to write.  I want what I have to say to be read…but I’m not finding what I have to say right now worth much…even to me.  My life is monotonous…I cashier from 4 up to 8 hours a day – with random days off which are spent attempting to avoid the public I see every other day. 
What I want to start doing with those days off???

writing more
exercising more
writing more
reading more
writing more
exercising more

You get the idea.
So, maybe this was a good start for January…it gets me in the mood for something else.  (And maybe Aslan will make his way back into my blog later – afterall, what’s a year with Aslan, if I don’t at least keep up the readings?)
But, maybe something else will work for February – it’s a short month, we’ll see how it goes.

NaBloPoMo

We all know I’ve never been the most consistent blogger – or write.  Here’s my attempt to fix all that.

http://www.nablopomo.com/

Attempting to post at least once – EVERY DAY for the month of November. 

We’ll see how it goes!

And I’ll Follow You…

I keep having this feeling that my life is about to change…

There are so many things I want in life – so many things I feel like God could use me to do…and I’m stuck in my hometown feeling completely useless right now.

In a way, I feel like my twenties have been the most challenging years of my life.
Sure, high school was no picnic – and the first two years of college, I could’ve done without all the drama.  But, honestly, it seems as soon as I transferred to Asbury – really dove head-first into following God’s leading in my life…pardon the “pun” – but all Hell broke loose.  It’s like…things just became all the more confusing…and challenging…and…….

exciting.

Over the last five years, I’ve followed God to Northern Ireland (twice), to Michigan (twice), to Ohio (of all places), to South Dakota (in many ways WORSE than Ohio), to the Czech Republic, and back to Kentucky.  I mean, really…it’s not been a bad ride –

but I seem to have bottomed out somewhere back on the on-ramp…

God’s had me on idling for over a year now – and when it comes to following God’s will…God’s leading – it’s not so easy when the parking brake is stuck.  I keep thinking, I’m being used here…ultimately helping out with the family situation and whatnot – but I’m revving the engine, here.  I’m ready to go…to move at 80 mph again.

So, these things I keep thinking start happening…
I mean, I’ve always been holding my breath for a job – for a new ministry position…for the chance to get back out on my own.  I’ve been looking for opportunities, even brainstorming “outside the box” for ideas of things I can do that may not land me in a church office even.
I’m coming up blank – or at least…blank on where to start with the whole thing.

I’d love to write for a magazine – or just write…and get paid for it.  I’d love to write Christian ideas…Christian thoughts…reflections…editorials…whatever and have people read what I have to say. 
I’d love to work with a youth group – in a church – teaching Bible studies, leading mission trips, playing Guitar Hero…you know…the whole youth pastor deal.
I’d love to go back to school – get my masters in…youth ministry….creative writing…or both.
I’d love to travel…return to Northern Ireland (to be honest, I have grand plans of packing my bags and doing the whole “Leap Year” thing, and finding me an “Irish” feller to fall in love with – or British feller…)

I’ve got all these plans…and no real way of knowing where to start….where to begin making real concrete plans to do any of it – okay most of it.

Following/deciphering God’s will shouldn’t be all that complicated – I mean, according to Kevin DeYoung’s book – following God’s will is fairly simple.  God’s will is that we love Him with our whole heart, mind, and soul, and we love our neighbor.  I feel like I’m pretty good at most of that – the majority of the time… DeYoung seems to think where things get complicated is where God’s less concerned…the petty decisions with what we do.  Granted I’m paraphrasing quite a lot here…but God’s not necessarily all that concerned with where me live…what job we have…what kind of house we live in.  He’s concerned with keeping our love and devotion to Him the center of all we do.

And when I think about it that way…when I think that God can use me in any kind of job…well…I guess things aren’t quite as complicated. 
But, I think God wants us to do what we want…what we like…in relation to loving Him and serving Him.
And what I want…it’s not so easy to do right now…

I do know this.
I want to follow God to the ends of the earth.  I want to share His love with those around me.  I want to serve a hurting world, and share the healing power found in a relationship with Christ.

Holding onto…something

I’m a little weird – this probably doesn’t come as news to most people – but given my tendencies to be a little….odd, I also find myself dealing with the typical “girl” situations as well.

It’s no secret my love life has been….absent the past 28 years. 
And to the people that know me best – it’s no secret that I’ve long desired to, one day, marry a Christian musician.  I’ve always had a “soft spot” for – guys who play guitar, guys who sing, guys who love Jesus, and…well….let’s face it… guys with British accents.  You give me a Brit who loves to sing about Jesus and I’d be smitten!!

I also realize, though, there’s this little place in which I live – a place called reality…er…Cynthiana…and the odds of finding said British guitar player is quite non-existent.
That being said – I’m not holding my breath on the chances of falling in love in the next few months.

However, I can’t seem to help myself, from time to time, when I come across a band (a new band, mind you) and instantly take note of the lead male’s left hand.  (Go ahead, call me weird).  There’s just something (some distant hope, maybe) that rises a bit when I learn about these guys…these musicians…when they’re hearts come out in their songs, when they challenge their listeners to grow in their own relationships with Christ.  There’s just something – maybe the hopeless romantic in me – that wonders….that thinks….just maybe….

Listening to K-Love last week – there was an interview with Phil Wickham, Leeland, and Matt Maher (I think it was those guys) … and then the other night they interviewed Matt Brower… and the stories of how these guys met their wives…how they got engaged…
It just makes me a bit….weepy…. a bit…sentimental.
I can’t remember which guy it was – talking about his fiance, how she traveled the road with them, sold merchandise for them every night….and all I’m thinking is….I WANT THAT!!! 

I’ve not completely given up on the idea…quite honestly – something inside me feels like God’s given me these desires for a reason….
but…I’m also realistc….
BUT – I’m not willing to settle, either! 🙂

I figure – just maybe – God’s got my British-Christian-guitar-player waiting for me…..somewhere.

On a more serious note –
given the idea that I’m sticking with my musical devotions….I’ve attached a video from Tenth Avenue North – the story behind their newest single “This Is Where The Healing Begins” – great song , powerful message!
Give it a watch – give it some thought….and begin the healing process of your own.

On another note…

In my ventures of “being a writer” I find myself…NOT…more often than I DO.  I have four chapters of my pending novel in written format – word documents opened up on my laptop, ready to be revised, ready to be tweaked.  I have a new document open for chapter five – and when I find myself sitting down to write, I, more often than not, find myself staring at the cursor – wandering and waiting for something to move inside me…something to get the words and story moving again.

Is it this way for every writer?
I remember listening to a John Grisham interview and the advice he gave up-and-coming writers was simple – Write every day, otherwise your novel will never get written.
Most of what I write is on the already-written…so it’s maybe not even really writing…
It’s been a while – probably almost a year – since I’ve written anything new. 

Frustrating.

It’s where I stand with it all right now – life…writing…everything.

Just. Frustrating.

On another note –
I watched the official trailer for Twilight: Eclipse

I’m totally geeked about this movie – I’m past being a closet-Twilight fan – the trailer looks fantastic.  I’m putting it right up there with the Harry Potter trend – each consecutive movie gets a little better!  So – now I’ve got to focus my energy and come up with some stellar Bible study I can base around the themes in this movie (it’s sooooo much more than good vs. evil)

And while I wait for the movie – and brainstorm on topics worth blogging about (because it seems like many of my posts are just rehashing all the same things) I’m thinking of starting a new writing project – to work on while also maintaining the other…

I’ve owned a guitar for…five years? now – definitely need to learn to play it – could come in handy with whatever job I get (this summer…I hope)…so I think I’m going to finally sit down and learn how to play it – I’ve got Guitar for Dummies – ’cause let’s face it…I’m no Einstein (most of the time)…guess it’s about time I get my money’s worth and actually use it! And maybe I”ll blog about it along the way…
 
we’ll see how that goes

BTW – any suggestions for guitar-learning materials that may prove better than the dummies material???  Can use all the help I can get…

Good Intentions?

I thought it’d be good to do a second February post, though I’m still not sure what may result of it – don’t really have anything particular in mind to say.
I take that back…

I guess it really needs to start with the motivation for this post –
a friend of mine in Northern Ireland is talking about starting a blog, and several suggestions were given her – xanga, blogger…the usuals. (and for some reason I just said ‘usuals’ with a fake NY accent…like Jack Kelly in Newsies…) But it got me to thinking about how irregular I am in updating my blog.

Mom and I watched “Julie and Julia” a couple weeks ago – and it renewed in me a desire to be read, to write something that touches people, that gets people reading. The excitement of being read is contagious…and whatever I’ve tried doing as a writer seems sooooo inconsistent.
I don’t blog regularly…at least not consistently (which I guess is the same thing) – and when I do they’re ramblings and spiritual whinings – which isn’t a bad thing, I guess. And, what few comments I’ve gotten have really boosted my confidence – but I’m a lot like Julie (the movie Julie) in that I’m looking for comments from people I don’t know…I don’t want my mom being the only reader/commenter-giver on my blog…or reader of my stories to always tell me the same thing…’it’s good.’ I want strangers across the country to latch on to what I’m saying….I want REAL feedback, constructive criticism…something I can build on
I want my words to mean something…

All that gets me to the point that my words can’t mean anything if I’m not writing. I just finished Donald Miller’s book, and for the last few chapters he talked about how hard it is to make himself write. And I guess the same thing is true for me…and he says it’s probably true for most writers. (pardon the cliche) It’s like pulling teeth to write, sometimes…It’s hard to get a character to do something…or in my case with blogging – it’s hard to write about the abundance of NOTHING going on in my life right now.
But, I keep remembering that to be a writer, I HAVE to write something.

Taking into account the lack of writing I’ve done lately, especially of the fiction genre – my status as a writer is waning. I remember an interview with John Grisham a couple years ago – he talked about having to write a little EVERY day, or the book will never get written. It’s like anything, you have to train yourself to write a little every day, or you’ll never do it.

It’s been in all the advice I’ve gotten from other writers, too – write, write, write – Tweet, Blog…. keep networking, keep making contacts…eventually you’ll get out there.

I’ve never been a patient person –
Keeps coming up with the job situation…I apply for a job – I want to know NOW what’s going on. This waiting for a month, then waiting for two weeks…then another two weeks is KILLING me!!
I guess the same thing affects me in my writing…I’m tired of putting forth an effort and seeing little-to-no result from it. (And here I go again, whining…)

I guess I just need to be more intentional about finding something to write about – start taking notes on things I see each day – or something…

Life’s perpetual Stillness…

So, I realize the whole idea of keeping a blog…the whole point is to actually utilize it…I mean, the whole idea for this was for me to write down some thoughts, maybe brainstorm with some creative writing…or something.
I’ve failed…and failed dismally, if I do say so myself – and I do.

I can’t help it really – given my current situation. It seems repetitive and redundant to write day-in-and-day-out about the massive amounts of NOTHING going on in my life right now. I mean, at least right now it feels like nothing. I guess maybe a year down the road (assuming I’m actually employed and thriving at that time) I’ll look back at this “dark night of the soul period of my life” and really see how God has worked and shaped me into someone new and more mature.
But, seriously…right now I got nothin’ – my mind is a blank void of empty nothingness.

I can’t even get myself past the nothingness to actually write on this novel I’ve been telling everyone I’m writing. I’m in the same place I was back in May when I finished school. It’s pretty ridiculous, really. The fact that I’ve been sitting around for five months now and haven’t done a thing with my writing.
Dr. Hurlow would just shake her head at me. Dr. Brown would be so disappointed….

Actually – I haven’t exactly done nothing. I did get five new pages “written” for chapter three!! I say “written” because it was already written…like over a year ago – I just copied and pasted it into a new document and did some proofing….and some major deleting and editing…

I’m kind of in crisis mode, though. I keep putting it off hoping I really won’t have to resort to it…hoping that God is really going to work some of His majic and find me a job before I resort to desperate measures… ie. cashiering…
I’m so afraid to go back to cashiering! I have to admit it. I really….really….REALLY don’t want to cashier again.
I keep trying to make a tally of how much money I have, how long I can keep scraping by with my loan payments – how much longer I can go without actually earning a paycheck…and it’s getting scary.
If I keep it up – my savings will be gone and when it does get time for me to move out…I’ll have no money to set myself up.
I’m sure I can wait a couple more weeks, really…I mean, I have a feeling if I go to Ken’s and talk with someone, I’d be able to get a job fairly easily (assuming they’re hiring any more people). But, the thought of wearing that stupid red smock again is demeaning…it terrifies me…regardless of how temporary the job may be.
I hate the idea of getting back on at Ken’s and then finding a job within a couple weeks…okay…maybe it’s more of an ideal situation…but, still…
and the thought of working at Wal-Mart is even more terrifying…

Don’t ask me why.

I really just want things to fall into place already. I’m tired of being patient. I’m tired of waiting for God to make His move. I feel like I’m doing all the work here…working to keep faith…working to stay positive with the idea that my place in ministry is out there. I’m tired…I’m poor…and I’m really sick of feeling like a kid.
I go everywhere with my parents.
I don’t have a car.
I’m completely dependent…and it sucks.

Yeah – remember the other day when I said I kinda missed high school…at least the whole idea of not having to worry about debt…and all the crappy adult stuff…
forget it! I miss adulthood….I miss having control over the things I should have control over!

I’ve neglected my Compassion Sponsor child for four months now because I haven’t had the money to pay – and now I’m going to have to neglect her for Christmas! I FAIL!!!
If I drop out…will Compassion take me back as a sponsor when I DO get a job? I mean…if they don’t, wouldn’t that kind of be going against who they say they are??
I should probably contact them and let them know what’s going on. I wanted to cry the other day because I got a letter from my kid in the Phillipines…and she asked me if I ever planned to make a visit…
What do I say to her???

The only bright spot in my life as of late?? Paperbackswap.com!! Free book exchanges!!! I’ve gotten 50 some books for FREE because I give mine away!!! It’s freakin’ amazing!!! Although…I’m completely in the book-collecting stage of things right now. I’m totally working toward the reading part of it, though. I, again, feel like a failer, though…simply because with all this time – I’ve still managed to take two months to read one book!!

I soooo suck right now!!

passion vs. calling

I have been thinking a lot about this whole writing thing….and ministry thing. Most of this has really been a simmering pot in the back of my mind…and finally last night…and today it’s all really started to boil over. Contribute it all to the rejection I got from the church in Detroit. Contribute it to my inability to feel confident about my direction in life. Contribute it to God’s unwillingness to have me settle…

I mean, I definitely feel a calling into ministy – there’s no question about that. I guess my confusion comes with the form that my ministry will take…is supposed to take.

Now, I’ve always had a passion for working with teens – but I’m wondering if my passion for Christian music outweighs the passion I have for teens – and if a passion for something is enough to completely chang directions. Everything in me says ‘yes.’

(and this is all connected to the writing thing, I promise)

I remember having a discussion with Dr. Budd back in the day about how people place too much emphasis on passion for something – rather than placing importance on calling…
and that morphed into some kind of decision/discussion as to how our calling fits our passions, etc.

Last night – Ernie Haase and Signature Sound came to Lexington – did an amazing! AMAZING!!! concert! I’m totally in my element when it comes to concerts and music that proclaims the Truth of Christ! Great music, people worshipping – there’s just something special about it and I’m completely pulled in everytime! The atmosphere, the music, the lifestyle – everything about it appeals to me, my nature, my desires!

At the show last night, before the guys got on stage, I made a passing comment to my mom about representing the group as their writer – taking a job blogging for them, keeping websites updated (facebook, etc.), newsletter writing, etc. (All of this followed a comment my grandfather made – “You’ll be up there singing tenor for the group one day” – still not sure what he’s thinking…like I have THAT great of a singing voice…barely even good…NOT even good). But, this idea was never something that really ever occurred to me as something that I could or should seriously consider pursuing.
But all day today the idea hasn’t left my head.
I’ve continually asked myself…what if? How could I…???
Is this seriously something I could consider pursuing…and most importantly…HOW could I pursue this?

I’ve conisidered ministry to youth a calling. And while I’ve had some experience in the field – I wonder if that’s enough to pull me back in? After talking with a professor this past semester, I’ve come to a new understanding concerning calling – and how not-so-fixed a calling (or the scope of a calling) may be. While I’ve felt a calling into ministry – I’m STILL not so sure I’m cut out for full-time church ministry.
I mean, a big reason I’ve taken to applying for church jobs as of late is really to serve as a bridge to a full-time writing career of some sort down the road.

How could I manage to take that bridge and bypass it all together? Where could I begin NOW writing – and feeling like my calling is being fulfilled?

I’ve always dreamed of working with Christian musicians – traveling, working PR, even just selling merchandise or something… I think the life would be exciting, would be challenging, would really just open so much up for me…
but again…where do I go from here? I mean…I’d hate to think I’ve had these dreams/desires so long…to think it’s all really just a pipe dream. I don’t think it is.

So, where do I go from here?

Do I contact artists directly? Do I contact managers? Do I contact record labels? Do I stick with applying for ministry/church jobs and forget this idea as a fleeting moment of starry eyed flappability??
I mean, I don’t really want to forget that I JUST spent a year of my life earning a creative writing degree just to go back to something that, while I feel called to some degree, frustrated me on so many levels.

I think I’m just going to decide to go for it – just see what can happen over the next couple weeks.
I mean, the last time I applied for ministry jobs – I sent out at least 10 resumes and NEVER heard from one church. This time around, I’ve already sent out that many – and maybe a few more. I’ve had four interviews (2 interviews for 2 different churches – which is further than I got last time btw). I’ve heard from one that they don’t think the fit is right. I’m still waiting to hear from the other church. Just the other day I sent out two more resumes for church programs (still with the questions to desire/fit/calling running through my head).
So, while I’m looking for that, what’s the harm in trying to make contact about some other stuff?
I mean, the best way to discover God’s leading is to try ALL the doors, right??