Not sure I can put fully into words all that I’m processing right now – and not just from class, but probably more so from my lunch with my cousin.  Discussing what I’d like to do and options for making that a reality gets me more excited than I can even express.  I know God is working, forming my heart, meshing my desires to His – and I know He has a place for me and my desire for ministry.  But fleshing out what that ministry looks like…
that’s the tough part.
Because a heart for ministry is good, I know that.  But to define and know what that ministry will look like is HUGE for me – and the one thing with which I’ve struggled for the past 5 years.  So…I guess we’ll see where the rest of this week leads.

No Title For this One

It’s been a long time since I’ve written a blog…since I’ve written anything that’s not a school assignment. To be honest, I feel like everything I DO write – not school related – is all about the same thing.  My dire lack of hope in EVER finding a job…at least a job outside of retail…inside the church.  I was again hopeful with this last interview, but have again found an e-mail of rejection in my inbox.

It’s easy to say “I know God has a plan”…. NOT so easy to feel it with confidence in my heart and soul.  With every rejection I’m thrown back into the oblivion of “what’s next” and what should I do.  I STILL feel lead into youth ministry…but clearly, after nearly 5 years of searching that just isn’t working.  I’m tired.  So tired of all this. 

I’m tired of reaching out for advice and finding little to no response.

I’m tired of feeling like I’m not doing the right things in my own faith.  That maybe because I’m not actively attending church every week, I’m not getting a job.  Or maybe because I’m not active in a youth ministry program right now (and now for several years), I’m not getting a job. 
But I know better than to think God is punishing me for lack of…whatever this is.

My heart is hurting because I haven’t felt “at home” in church for so long.  I haven’t felt “alive” in church for so long.  And I’ve simply gotten lazy in my attempt to rectify that. (Time to change that)

I know the Holy Spirit is working.  And now I’m back to the drawing board about what my future ministry will look like.  Apparently – I’m a tough nut to crack – four/five years is simply not enough rejection to get the message across.