Will the REAL Audio Adrenaline please stand up?

So, it’s been seven months since I last wrote something.  And while I’m prone to spend the majority of this post ranting about a specific topic, I feel like it’s a downer to start the post that way.  So, in light of starting off upbeat – I can at least start out with a general (sort of) midyear update.
As for the goals I set for myself at the beginning of the year…yeah, I wasn’t all that confident that I’d complete them all, to be honest.

On the positive side of things, I HAVE kept up a list of books read this year – if you’ve managed to keep up with the added page to my blog.  And as soon as I find the motivation, I believe I will endeavor to create a new blog strictly devoted to book reviews and author information.  As much as I love books, I feel it’s my duty as a reader to share…

after all – it’s reading that’s kept me away from writing.  At least that’s what I keep telling myself.
I’d like to think I’d try to stick with my writing goal and finish my novel in the next three and  half months…but I’m not going to rush it.  I haven’t even opened a semi-completed chapter in several months, let alone try to write a new one.  And I’m too proud of what I’ve got to finish it in a rush.  I still believe in this story…that it can be told well…and eventually get published.

Maybe next year.

As for the whole job thing…and the moving out of my parent’s house thing…
hasn’t happened yet.  But I’m actually moving up in my current job – being given more responsibilities (but not getting paid for them…)
and I think I’m starting grad school in January.  Assuming I get accepted into the program.

So, meet the new band…Audio Adrenaline – the topic set to consume the rest of my post.
Now…those of you that have known me…I’ve been an Adrenaline Junkie for most of my adolescent and adult life.  There wasn’t another band I’d travel hours to see in concert, and work so hard to meet after!  I took Will McGinniss (bassist) a shopping bag full of Starburst once…and completely geeked out when I got the chance to give them to him and he hugged me.  You have no idea.
In an e-mail sent out via FreeCCM.com (Contemporary Christian Music) this afternoon, I found out that Audio Adrenaline is getting back together.  Commence geekfest!!
But tell me…does the band in the above picture look anything like Audio Adrenaline (pictured below)?

Never mind the new sound that’s bound to ensue with the introduction of a new lead singer – Kevin Max (of former DC Talk fame) – and new drummer and guitarists…but to give this new band the same name as the band I love…it’s a little maddening.
Who can forget their heart for missions, and the heart for church kids these guys had.  It’s part of what pulled me into youth ministry.   It was their music that helped guide me through college and expand my mindset of missions and ministry.

I don’t deny this new Audio Adrenaline will be great – with the former guitarist from SuperChick and the return of bassist Will McGinniss – but does ONE returning band member constitute holding onto the namesake of a visually different band?  Sure, Mark Stuart will still play a part in the background of the band…writing songs and whatnot
but starting out on a new label, with new front-men…It kind of irks me that they’re sticking with the name.
But here’s the thing…even when Audio presumably hung up their instruments (guitarist Tyler Burkum moving on to other musical ventures, and drummer Ben Cissell moving on to other ministries) Mark Stuart and Will continued to raise awareness for the bands mission in Haiti – The Hands and Feet Project – under a different name – Know Hope Collective.
So, why they would now continue under this name is baffling…

Don’t get me wrong.  I’m excited to see Mark and Will continuing the mission!  I’m excited for new music…I always am.
But the more I kept thinking about this tonight…the more it just felt…odd…and a bit of a letdown.  Together…there was just something special about them – Stuart, McGinniss, Burkum, and Cissell – and now…it just doesn’t feel right to me.

But…

that doesn’t mean I won’t be on iTunes with my credit card the day the album comes out!

Consider Your Calling

I remember a while back meditating on a (very short) passage of scripture … 1 Corinthians 1:26 “Consider your calling…”
and it seems that’s all I do.

And lately…it’s had me wondering about the direction of the calling I thought I’d been lead to.
I can’t picture a life outside of ministry…at least not a happy one for me.  Sure…I guess anything can be considered ministry, but seriously – if I have to cashier for the rest of my life…I’ll probably go insane.  I don’t think I can do it for another year…let alone the rest of my life.
But, this ministry I feel called to doesn’t seem to be panning out either.

I’ve tried applying to church programs…interviewed for several jobs where I’d lead youth programs (a job I’ve done before).  And all of those interviews have lead to the same response…the same e-mail.
Then I thought about camp ministry.  Granted I’ve only applied for one job…er…two jobs now…so it’s probably a little premature to think this won’t happen…but given the way other things have gone…I’m really not holding out much hope.

It’s hard not to feel abandoned right now.  Even now…my parents have gone to church..and I’m sitting here alone…
Why didn’t I go to church?  Probably the same reason I haven’t been to church (regularly) in several months…I’ve lost heart.

And then…I got this reminder last night…

Still – as in continued… As in peaceful

Let me start with the truth –

NOTHING has changed since my last post.

Well…almost nothing has changed.
I’m still living in my parent’s house. (you have no idea how hard it is for me to keep saying that – three months from turning 30) I’m still working as a cashier.  I’m still without a full-time ministry position.

However…
I can say my mindset has changed…if ever so slightly.

Yes, we managed to make it through our first Christmas without my grandmother.  It was actually a mostly happy occassion.  We managed to keep her memory alive with continued traditions and shared memories.  Couldn’t have asked for more, really.  Other than a couple extra days off work.

So…this post…
instead a year-in-review will be more of a quick look forward.

This year will be one of change…I feel it in my bones.

This will be the year I finally complete the first draft of my novel…all 10+ chapters I’ve had in progress over the last four years.  I will finally get it to a readable manuscript that can then be sent to agents.  I promise!

This will be the year I move out.  Whether I finally find a full-time ministry job or not.  I’ll be out of the house – doing something other than cashiering before next Christmas!  I promise.

This will be the year I keep a log of all the books I read.  I will, via Facebook or written journal (or maybe both), keep a log of titles, ratings and occassional reviews of said books read.  And I will read at least a chapter a day (if not more).

Most importantly –
This will be the year I continue to trust in God’s leading and timing for the plans of my life.  This is the year I will surrender my will to His completely!

 

Book of the moment:  The Girl Who Played with Fire by Stieg Larsson

Album of the moment: This is What We Believe by Aaron Shust

Song of the moment:

 

 

Hidden Treasure at Wal-Mart

I got mad at God the other day.

Now, don’t get me wrong – I don’t treat my emotions toward God lightly…it takes a lot…a LOT for me to say I’m angry with God.  But, I’d had an exceptionally emotionally-trying day.
I’d just been rejected from ANOTHER job for which I’d interviewed…and I was facing a full shift at work.

So…with these interviews.  I’ve lost count as to how many phone interviews I’ve actually had over the past two years.  I mean, I’ve sent out more resumes then I’ve actually had interviews…but I’ve had a fair number of interviews…enough to make me think….
maybe there’s REALLY something wrong with me.
I mean…every interview SEEMS to go well.   I never finish an interview thinking it was a complete waste of time…that I was was a complete idiot.  Most of the time the committees…or whoever…seem pretty agreeable…dare I say, even excited….with what I have to say.  I feel I present myself in a favorable way….
yet…every…EVERY church I talk with tends to send me the same e-mail….thank you for your interest, but we’ve decided not to move you forward in our search process.  while you are very gifted…we pray you’ll find a church soon….
you get the idea.

So, I’d just had an interview with a church (to remain nameless).  We’d talked via skype (quite an experience) and I hung up feeling fairly confident.  Two days later, I recieved “the e-mail.”

Yes.  I was angry.

I went to work that afternoon (after much self-talk to convince myself it wasn’t worth calling in and wallowing in my own self-pity).  And…I’m actually glad I went to work that day.
Because…despite the fact that I was angry with God (for the seeming lack of direction…lack of ANYTHING)…
I think He showed up that night.

So, there was this kid that came through my line that night….with his dad…or grandfather…kinda hard to know the relationship there.  But this kid says to me….”Look what I found!”  He’s pretty excited and he’s showing me this nickel he found at school that day. I pass a look to his (grand)father and he flashes me this look like he’s sorry his kid is bugging me. 
The kid’s oblivious to this, and he says to me, “It was my lucky day,” and he looks at me and asks, “do you have lucky days?”
And I look back at him and say, “I haven’t had a lucky day in a long time.”
So, I’ve got this line of customers and I’m trying to get through them pretty quickly (I’m on the express lane), so I’m bagging these groceries, and the guy’s trying to collect his stuff, and this kid just keeps talking about his lucky day.
The man tries to edge his way toward the door, but this kid stops and he says, “Here.”  He stretches out his hand and tries to give me his nickel.
And I say, “You don’t have to give me your nickel.”
“Take it,” he says.  “You can have my lucky day.”

I think I stared at him blankly…accepted the nickel…managed a “thank you”….
to be honest, I’m not quite sure what happened after…

I do remember coming home that night and talking to my mom about it…about my latest rejection…about how I feel neglected by God…forgotten…abandoned….

and yet…the more I linger on this kid and his giving of this nickel…the more I realize God may be showing up in random ways…
and I’m not really angry anymore.

There are reasons I’m still in this situation…
maybe it’s the economy…
maybe I’m too stubborn to take the dozens of rejections as a sign that God doesn’t want me in ministy (does God seriously turn people away, like that?)
maybe I’m just applying to the wrong churches…
maybe “my church” just hasn’t had a position open yet…

I don’t know…
but as long as I’m at Wal-Mart…at least I can listen to Mat Kearney every-so-often.

The Six-Month Catch Up…in 500 words or less

I miss blogging…I miss having something WORTH blogging about. 

I can maybe list a handful of things that have happend within the last few months…aside from my monotous job cashiering…and the uneventful career I’ve made out of sending resumes to churches.

My grandmother died back in April…or May…the months kind of ran together as we were dealing with her sickness at the end.  She fought a hard fight over the last year…and I have to admit…as selfish as it may sound…I’m really glad I had that year with her – despite the fact that she wasn’t really herself.  She wasn’t the woman she used to be…before the heart surgery that changed everything.
I had time this last year to mend a broken relationship…at least as much as I could.  And I have peace in the fact that the last time I spoke with my grandmother, two days before she died, we said ‘i love you.’  And I guess I have even more peace in knowing we both meant it completely.

I still see no end to my part-time cashiering job…and I’m scared that I’m becoming comfortable with it.  I mean…once I have an out…a real out…I won’t look back…
but I’m part of a group at work…we appreciate each other…
and well…yeah…I’ve got a chance to be a witness for Christ.  With the thirty seconds I have with customers….or the few minutes I have…hopefully people can see in me an attitude reflective of Christ’s. 
I don’t know…I have to pray continually for a Christ-like attitude with this job…in the hopes that I’m some kind of positive influence.

And really…that’s my life right now.
It seems there’s struggle all around me.  My family can’t seem to pull its way out of the mire to feel the warmth of the sun…
and it’s getting a bit depressing…I have to admit.

One bright spot??
The roast beef dinner Mom made tonight…with Bisto gravy, carrots, and potatoes…and banana pudding for dessert.
YUM!

Mood of the Moment: slightly hopeful (I just sent out another resume)
Book of the Moment: Harry Potter and the Order fo the Pheonix
Song of the Moment: “Beautiful Things” by Gungor

I wish I were in Ireland.

Who Will Love Me for Me

There’s not much in life that I want more than to get married one day – to fall in love and have someone fall in love with me. 

And I have to admit, I’m kind of scared – a lot of scared – that it won’t happen…that it’s not in the cards for me.  And it’s the one thought that, if I linger on for too long, could really make me cry from heart ache.

Granted, I’ve never been one to really “put myself out there.”  I don’t dress myself up in dresses.  I don’t curl my hair.  I don’t wear makeup.
And I’ve never been, what I consider, in shape or pretty- even if I did dress myself up, curl my hair, and put on makeup.

But, I have to think – despite all that…I’m a loveable girl.
I love to laugh.  I love movies, books, and I can even manage my way around most sports.  I figure I’m an ideal catch for somebody.

But there’s a voice inside my head that keeps telling me…i’m not worth it…it’ll never happen.
And it hurts…hearing that all the time, revurberating in my head – but for the life of me, I can’t get it out.  Regardless of what people tell me, family, friends – I hear the words: “it’ll happen,”  “you’ll find someone…” – but they’re hard to believe.

I guess what’s got me on this oh-so-cheerful topic tonight – I’ve been listening to JJ Heller on repeat for the past 24 hours.  One song…and it makes me want to cry.  It’s so beautiful it hurts.

Who will love me for me?
Not for what I have done
or what I will become
Who will love me for me?
‘Cause no body has shown me what love really means

You know, I’ve always had this list of “wants” in a husband….a picture of what my husband would look like.
Christian…brown hair…blue eyes….tall…musical….literary….a certain style about him…
But more than anything, I want a guy that can love ME – that can love my imperfect body…my tendencies to be emotional…and sometimes lazy.  My increasing tendencies to be a bit wacky and exciteable over “silly” things – ie books being made into movies….
I want someone who will allow me to be the person I am, and not expect me to fit into some mold…because everyone knows I’ve never really done that.

I will love you for you
Not for what you have done
or what you will become
I will love you for you
I will give you the love that you never knew

A Year with Aslan: Day 24 – Puddleglum

In all of the Chronicles of Narnia, Puddleglum just may be one of my favorite characters.  I’m not so sure it’s his attitude that is so enduring, but his change in attitude throughout the story of The Silver Chair.  And then there’s just the eccentricity of being a marshwiggle that’s kind of cool.

But, Puddleglum is downcast and pessimistic throughout most of the story.  He continues to think the worst of every situation…the firewoods probably wet, or it will be wet because it looks like rain…or the journey’s long but it doesn’t matter because we probably won’t even make it half way…
that sort of thing.

And it’s exhausting just reading his pessimism.  I can’t imagine how exhausting it would be to actually be that pessimistic.
Although, tonight at work, I had my fair run at being Puddleglum.

I was sent to the liquor store to give the cashier over there her 15-minute break.  Nothing unusual.  I was standing there in front of the little electric heater, actually enjoying the quiet for a bit, when the phone rang.  I’m not over there for more than a couple of minutes when this happens.  I answer the phone – it’s one of the Customer Service Managers telling me that when I get back to the main store, I’m supposed to meet with the manager.  There’s no other explanation.
So, I hang up the phone, and for the next 15-20 minutes my mind is racing with all the different scenarios.  I’m in trouble: maybe they’re “coaching” me on something…I was short on my drawer the last shift…I’ve done something completely wrong (no telling what)…
Or maybe they’re commending me for something…maybe I’ve done something right…
no, I’ve probably done something wrong and they want to talk to me about it.

I’m seriously sweating it out and finally the cashier comes back from her break and head back to the main store.  I then have to wait a few more minutes while the manager finishes some job she’s doing before she leads me to the back office.
Turns out it was just time for my 90-day evaluation. 
I’m a sold performer on the Wal-Mart team.  Good to know.  And I exceed expectations with my customer service skills.  Apparently customers have “bragged” about my cheery disposition.   

So, yeah…it wasn’t anything major.  It was, in fact, pretty uplifting. 
But, of course, when I’m reading tonight’s Narnia passage and it’s about Puddleglum’s lack of a cheery dispositiong…I couldn’t help but flash back to my afternoon at work.

It’s hard to be optimistic all the time, especially when it really does seem like everything just goes wrong anyway.
I left my job in Ohio confident that my life was going to work out one way, and I would be happy with that.  Turns out it’s been NOTHING like I thought it would be.  In fact, it’s been an adventure quite worthy of Puddleglum’s worldview. 

I didn’t get the job I thought I was going to get.
I went back to school full-time instead – definitely the high point of the last couple years.
My dog died.
I didn’t find a job before I finished my year of study.
I still haven’t found a job.
My grandmother had major heart surgery and months of complications.
My family spent Christmas in the nursing home.
Traditions are changing.
I still haven’t found a job.
I’m cashiering at Wal-Mart.

But yet…I’m not without hope…and even though my “cheery disposition” get’s dampened from time to time…it gets picked back up again, because…really, what’s the point of being negative?
I have a plan in place…and maybe God’s laughing at me…maybe it’s a plan I should’ve had in place over a year ago.  Maybe it’s just taken me this long to really come to terms with things…I don’t know.
But, I’m starting to get what James is talking about…

Be patient, then, brothers, until the Lord’s coming.  See how the farmer waits for the land to yield its valuable crop and how patient he is for the autumn and spring rains.  You too, be patient and stand firm, because the Lord’s coming is near.  Don’t grumble against each other, brothers, or you will be judged.  The Judge is standing at the door!
Brothers, as an example of patience in the face of suffering, take the prophets who spoke in the name of the Lord.  As you know, we consider blessed those who have persevered.  You have heard of Job’s perseverance and have seen what the Lord finally brought about.  The Lord is full of compassion and mercy.  James 5: 7-11

Is any one of you in trouble?  He should pray.  Is anyone happy?  Let him sing songs of praise.  Is any one of you sick? He should call the elders of the church to pray over him and anoint him with oil in the name of the Lord. And te prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well; the Lord will raise him up. If he has sinned, he will be forgiven.  Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.  The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective.  James 5: 13-16

And just because I’m facing setbacks doesn’t mean I can’t revel in the little marvels God presents me…a flock of geese flying over at sunset…a fresh blanket of snow on a day off…
Because if anything, even if there is the occasional struggle/crisis of faith, I’m not WITHOUT faith.  I’m not without God’s promises that He does have a plan for me…a purpose for me.

On a Cold Winter’s Night

I used to think that Christmastime suddenly meant all was right with the world.  All the stress of life went away.  People were happier.  Problems simply didn’t exist at Christmas.

I so want this to be true.

But it seems, the more Christmas’s I spend at home, the further from truth these ideas become. 
This past year, I’ve been privy to so many truths that my soul cries for the naiveté it once had, especially at Christmas.  That naivete of waking up on Christmas morning and realizing that the world was different.  The naivete of believing it was…just different.

All I want is to feel the joy, the warmth, the uplifting spirit of knowing there’s something different about the world this time of year.
Because, right now…I’m not feeling it.

I’m seeing the stress of a family dealing with too much – a brother NOT dealing with life and responsibilities wisely, a mother dealing with WAY too much with parents in need, a husband in need…
and I”m tired of feeling like I’m the bridge between them all…

because my support is beginning to fail…
I’m cracking under the weight of feeling like I’m not doing enough, that I CAN’T be the daughter I need to be…that I can’t be the Christian I need to be…because I’m sad.  I’m disappointed in myself…i’m losing hope…
and all I want to do is get back to that place I used to be…
and, not for lack of trying….i can’t get back.

And maybe it’s because it’s this time of year…
and maybe it’s because of everything finally mounting up…and I feel like it’s all ready to collapse…I’m ready to collapse…that there’s something waiting to be triggered and it’ll all come falling down on me – I don’t know if I”m strong enough to keep holding it up. 

The effort it took to put up our Christmas tree, alone, was so great…even doing it a week later than usual.  And I did it alone.
the desire I normally have for worship, for celebrating the advent of Christ….it’s taking everything within me to find it…to put anything into action.
and it’s killing me that I just don’t want to…

I want healing in my family.  I want healing in my soul.
Because for all the bad I’m seeing…for all the stress…for all the worst I see in people despite the holiday season…I’ve not lost hope in the gift of this season.  I know there’s healing and deliverence in the birth of Christ.  I know there’s redemption and hope in the birth of Christ.
And I long for that to take hold of my heart – that hope, that redemption, that deliverence…I long to feel the excitement Iused to feel – that warmth, that peace…that despite the crap going on…there’s something bigger worth striving for…there’s Someone worth living for…

The month ends the way it began…

Saw a friend post a month-in-review…thought I’d copy…

1. Papaw took a sneezing spell…and I decided to try my hand at blogging once a day for the entire month.

2. Had an interview with and was subsequently hired by Wal-Mart then took a couple self-discovery quizes to find I’m not only Luna Lovegood from Harry potter, but I’m also Samwise Gamgee from Lord of the Rings (two of my favorite fictional characters).

3. Came down with a cold…and finally decided to go vote – still not sure who all won that election.  Then felt like a loser.

4. Did some online shopping for my neices and nephews – maybe the last time I felt Christmas…and started following Clinton and Stacey on Twitter (you know…the What Not to Wear peeps) before taking another self discovery quiz to find out I’d actually be the hero were I to be part of a horror movie!!  Geeked myself out a bit with the discovery of the Backstreet Boys/NKOTB tour…and applied for two more ministry jobs.

5.  Cancelled plans with a friend…

6.  Skipped church a few times…

7.  felt like a loser.

8.  felt downcast. started training with Wal-Mart which consisted of playing stupid board games and watching videos made in the 90’s.

9. Skipped some more church… 

10. broke my diet and ate a can of Spaghetti-O’s then nearly cried while watching the video for Tenth Avenue North’s latest single “You Are More”

Tenth Avenue North – You Are More from Provident Label Group on Vimeo.

11.  had my first day off so I finished reading Harry Potter and the Order of the Pheonix

12. had a not-getting on the internet spell that lasted about 5 days…

17.  reconnected with a friend and finally watched Whip It! 

18.  Spent the day reading Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.

19.  made plans with the friend I cancelled on earlier.

20. Finished reading The Pearl by John Steinbeck and began readin Girl, Interrupted by Susanna Kayson

21. Ron Weasley…I think I love you!  Went to see Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Pt. 1

22.  Sooooo want to go see Harry Potter again…

23.  Discoverd a new YA novel trilogy – The Hunger Games – decide to add to my list of books to read – can’t get a song out of my head and heart…commence listening to it about a dozen times.

24.  nearly die from the earliness of being awake at 3:30a.m. – having to work at 6:30a.m sucks

25.  Visited Nana at the nursing home…nearly ruined Thanksgiving with a stupid comment and an overreaction from the person I said it to…

26.  Disover what Black Friday is all about at Wal-Mart…not so scary from 4:00 in the afternoon on…

27.  Finished Girl, Interrupted and started reading Rescuing Patty Hearst by Virginia Holman

28.  Go to church for the first time in weeks…but my heart feels like the @relientK song – “It’s always winter but never Christmas” – i miss the old feelings of Christmas this year…

29.  drew a blank

30.  began writing again.

Ultimate Fail?

So, my attempt at blogging every day for the month of November has already hit a snag…er…speed bump…

Obviously didn’t write yesterday…and can’t say there’s much to say today.

I DID get hired by Wal-Mart to be a part-time cashier – AND I’ve discovered two more full-time ministry positions I’ll be applying for…both in Ohio.  Would be an interesting turn to end up back in the Buckeye state.  Wouldn’t mind a full-time offer…even if I’ve not been officially on register at Wal-Mart, yet. 
Had to go for a drug test today…never felt more like a delequent in my life.  “Leave your bag here, empty all your pockets, last door on the right down the hall.  Bring it back when you’re done…”  So, much for pleasantries.

Will probably be surprised NOT to find caffeine in my system…actually went two days without it!  Finally got over the headache yesterday!
Took an antihistamine, though…little good it’s done me.  Stupid crud’s back in my head and all I want to do is sleep.

So, on that happy note….

Current Book: Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
Current Song of Choice:  Undone by FFH (I know, surprises me how much I LOVE this song)