Consider Your Calling

I remember a while back meditating on a (very short) passage of scripture … 1 Corinthians 1:26 “Consider your calling…”
and it seems that’s all I do.

And lately…it’s had me wondering about the direction of the calling I thought I’d been lead to.
I can’t picture a life outside of ministry…at least not a happy one for me.  Sure…I guess anything can be considered ministry, but seriously – if I have to cashier for the rest of my life…I’ll probably go insane.  I don’t think I can do it for another year…let alone the rest of my life.
But, this ministry I feel called to doesn’t seem to be panning out either.

I’ve tried applying to church programs…interviewed for several jobs where I’d lead youth programs (a job I’ve done before).  And all of those interviews have lead to the same response…the same e-mail.
Then I thought about camp ministry.  Granted I’ve only applied for one job…er…two jobs now…so it’s probably a little premature to think this won’t happen…but given the way other things have gone…I’m really not holding out much hope.

It’s hard not to feel abandoned right now.  Even now…my parents have gone to church..and I’m sitting here alone…
Why didn’t I go to church?  Probably the same reason I haven’t been to church (regularly) in several months…I’ve lost heart.

And then…I got this reminder last night…

A Year with Aslan: Day 19- Nobody Special

“It doesn’t follow that you’ll be anyone very special in Narnia.  But as long as you know you’re nobody special, you’ll be a very decent sort of Horse, on the whole.”

I can’t imagine a place more humbling than where I am now.
In so many ways I feel like Bree – the great war-horse, prided on winning battles, owned by the greatest warrior – having just run away from a challenge – facing off with a lion – he decided to save his own skin, rather than stand up to the image he so prided himself on.  He ran away from the challenge, and berated himself when Shasta proved to be braver than he.

It’s quite humbling looking at a pile of job rejections.  One more gets added to the pile today.
It’s even more humbling – with two college degrees – cashiering for minimum wage while the job rejections continue to pile up.
It’s even more humbling realizing the job you thought may have been a sure thing – part of the reason for cancelling an interview for another job last week – doesn’t even offer you a second interview.  (Now I’m left wondering What If?)

In my quest for some semblance of a regular Bible-reading routine I saw on Twitter tonight where Evan Wickham started a Bible study on the book of James – *challenging book* he says.  I have to agree, because just in the first chapter – James urges to reader to be joyous in trials…
okay not necessarily joyous because of the trials, but because of what trials bring…perseverance.  (I sometimes HATE that word)

And it’s not easy – after *I’ve lost count* so many rejections, it’s hard to keep looking for a job I “feel called” to.  But, I keep looking…despite the cringe-inducing sentiments so many people love to tell me…”you’ll find something” – “you just haven’t found the right job yet” – “God’s got a job out there for you” (and I really do appreciate the sentiments, it’s just hard to hear after so many let downs to keep believing it)

I can imagine Bree’s face – hunkered away in the corner moping after the lion attack – as he “cries” over his lack of courage, and realizes he’s not necessarily the horse he thought he was.
And I realize trials are worn as a badge of honor in several New Testament letters – Paul, James, Peter – but I can’t help but wonder…when is it finally enough?

I thought the same thing throughout the book The Horse and His Boy – lion attacks, mistaken identities, wild jackals, a desert to cross, a dangerous mountain pass, an army in pursuit, a battle for Archenland…I seriously started to question C.S. Lewis’ writing here.  I realize it’s a children’s story…adventure is exciting…blah, blah, blah…but enough’s enough – let’s get on with the story here…

But, I guess in the end, it took all of this to really drive home what it is to be humble – at least for Bree.  And, had they not gone through all of the trouble, would the arrival into Narnia had been as sweet?  Probably not.

And despite what I keep telling myself…I have to wonder if I’m really going the right way.  Because it hurts…and the longer I do this…I feel this distance growing…and just now – listening to the song I just posted above the words hit me –

So you’ve pulled away from the love that would’ve been there
You start believin’ that your situation’s unfair
But there’s aways scars when you fall that hard.
When you lose our way, we get back up again
It’s never to late to get back up again
And one day you’re gonna shine again
You may be knocked down, but you’re not out forever

And I guess that’s where I am…which gets me thinking’ about my favorite boxer…Rocky Balboa – smart guy if you ask me –
“What is it you said to the kid? The world ain’t all sunshine and rainbows. It’s a very rough, mean place…and no matter how tough you think you are, it’ll always bring you to your knees and keep you there permanently…if you let it. You or nobody ain’t never gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain’t about how hard you hit…it’s about how hard you can get hit, and keep moving forward. How much you can take, and keep moving forward. If you know what you’re worth, go out and get what you’re worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hit.”

LIke with my job search – when the job finally does come, it’ll be that much sweeter, I guess.

Waiting Proactively

I’m back at that place…
that place where I’m ready to get up and move…where I’m ready to make something happen.  Where waiting is just torture.

And then I have to take a step back.
As ready as I am to jump, God’s obviously got me on hold for a reason.

My Sunday school class has done a lot of talking about what the Church looks like, what the Church is supposed to be doing to further God’s kingdom…
and while I’m so anxious to get into a ministry position…to “futher God’s kingdom” – I’m ignoring the Church where I am.

So, instead of waiting passively for my calling – for God’s leading…I’m gonna start being proactive…

because I tend to do a lot of talking…and rarely act on it.

Song of the Day: How Great Thou Art
Book of the Day: City of Glass – Cassandra Clare
Cause of the Day: Operation Christmas Child

And I’ll Follow You…

I keep having this feeling that my life is about to change…

There are so many things I want in life – so many things I feel like God could use me to do…and I’m stuck in my hometown feeling completely useless right now.

In a way, I feel like my twenties have been the most challenging years of my life.
Sure, high school was no picnic – and the first two years of college, I could’ve done without all the drama.  But, honestly, it seems as soon as I transferred to Asbury – really dove head-first into following God’s leading in my life…pardon the “pun” – but all Hell broke loose.  It’s like…things just became all the more confusing…and challenging…and…….

exciting.

Over the last five years, I’ve followed God to Northern Ireland (twice), to Michigan (twice), to Ohio (of all places), to South Dakota (in many ways WORSE than Ohio), to the Czech Republic, and back to Kentucky.  I mean, really…it’s not been a bad ride –

but I seem to have bottomed out somewhere back on the on-ramp…

God’s had me on idling for over a year now – and when it comes to following God’s will…God’s leading – it’s not so easy when the parking brake is stuck.  I keep thinking, I’m being used here…ultimately helping out with the family situation and whatnot – but I’m revving the engine, here.  I’m ready to go…to move at 80 mph again.

So, these things I keep thinking start happening…
I mean, I’ve always been holding my breath for a job – for a new ministry position…for the chance to get back out on my own.  I’ve been looking for opportunities, even brainstorming “outside the box” for ideas of things I can do that may not land me in a church office even.
I’m coming up blank – or at least…blank on where to start with the whole thing.

I’d love to write for a magazine – or just write…and get paid for it.  I’d love to write Christian ideas…Christian thoughts…reflections…editorials…whatever and have people read what I have to say. 
I’d love to work with a youth group – in a church – teaching Bible studies, leading mission trips, playing Guitar Hero…you know…the whole youth pastor deal.
I’d love to go back to school – get my masters in…youth ministry….creative writing…or both.
I’d love to travel…return to Northern Ireland (to be honest, I have grand plans of packing my bags and doing the whole “Leap Year” thing, and finding me an “Irish” feller to fall in love with – or British feller…)

I’ve got all these plans…and no real way of knowing where to start….where to begin making real concrete plans to do any of it – okay most of it.

Following/deciphering God’s will shouldn’t be all that complicated – I mean, according to Kevin DeYoung’s book – following God’s will is fairly simple.  God’s will is that we love Him with our whole heart, mind, and soul, and we love our neighbor.  I feel like I’m pretty good at most of that – the majority of the time… DeYoung seems to think where things get complicated is where God’s less concerned…the petty decisions with what we do.  Granted I’m paraphrasing quite a lot here…but God’s not necessarily all that concerned with where me live…what job we have…what kind of house we live in.  He’s concerned with keeping our love and devotion to Him the center of all we do.

And when I think about it that way…when I think that God can use me in any kind of job…well…I guess things aren’t quite as complicated. 
But, I think God wants us to do what we want…what we like…in relation to loving Him and serving Him.
And what I want…it’s not so easy to do right now…

I do know this.
I want to follow God to the ends of the earth.  I want to share His love with those around me.  I want to serve a hurting world, and share the healing power found in a relationship with Christ.

Conversations on paper

I have made mistakes and I have been afraid – I have felt alone – Then you called my name – Things were crashing loudly – Happening all around me -But you´re still small voice Was all that I could hear – I am here – I´m holding you – You´ll make it through this – I am here I am here – Whenever you run away – whenever you lose you´re faith – It´s just another stroke of the pen on the page -A lonely ray of hope is all that you need to see a beautiful history – Well I have been such a fool when I have known the truth – I´ve wasted so much time Doing what I want to do -I´ve been living solely for myself and myself only – but your still small voice is whispering -Whenever you run away – whenever you lose you´re faith – It´s just another stroke of the pen on the page – A lonely ray of hope is all that you need to see a beautiful history – I toss and turn and scream – I try to do everything with two feet on the ground – I just keep falling down again – I feel so far from home -Completely on my own – and then I hear you say – I am here I am here – Whenever you run away – whenever you lose you´re faith – It´s just another stroke of the pen on the page – A lonely ray of hope is all that you need to see
a beautiful history

It’s a scary thought – willfully giving EVERYTHING over to be used by God. This past weekend I heard Donald Miller speak about ideas presented in his book A Million Miles in a Thousand Years and it seems it’s taken me this long to really process it all. But one thing he really talked about – apart from living a story worthy of the One who wrote us into being – was about really working on a relationship with God – and not just a static realtionship, but one where we carry on conversation, where we invite God into our lives to actively participate.

I have to agree with Don – if we’re waiting for God to step in and dictate every action – we’re going to be waiting a while. Our relationship with God is more of a suggestion than a dictation… I guess.

In all of this – it got me thinking about how I’ve been waiting on God for a year now… I’ve been waiting for God to put me in a job, to tell me where He wants me to go…and obviously it’s not working out!
I’ve been passive – waiting for the push in the right direction.

One part of Don’s “sermon” that really hit me – the conversation with God idea – it’s not new to me. I remember Jim Burgen preaching the same concept/idea at 608 services when I was in college – the whole idea of inviting God into our daily lives.
But the idea that God wants us to be happy – that God created us to desire companionship – that God created us WITH DESIRES…
He talked about the “job hunt” in a way – making it sound more like God asking us…”well, what do you like???” “Where do YOU want to go??”

The idea that as long as I bring God glory is all well and good – but how much glory can you bring God from the living room sofa??

I don’t think I’m making myself very clear – I’ve got all of this stuff in my head…and I can’t seem to get it out – it’s a little frustrating. But, I have this feeling – that maybe I should be a little more proactive in my search for God’s purpose in my life – or maybe I mean My Purpose in God’s story….

Sitting at the jewelry store isn’t really something I desire…and I feel like God’s waiting for me to do something…
I feel like…maybe God’s sitting back…waiting for me to get a clue….
I don’t know

I’m sitting here not knowing what to do – wanting to know what God wants me to do – and the whole time God’s asking me what do YOU want to do. He’s put passions in my heart – desires for creativity, for music, for writing, for reading, for relational ministry, for mission work, for outreach…
and i have all these things i’d love to do – but I’m scared.
I have thoughts and dreams…and I feel like I’m waiting for God to do something so I can do something…but it doesn’t seem to be working out. I want to go places, I want to meet new people, I want to travel, I want to learn to play music, to be someone I used to be and never really was…all at the same time.
I want God to direct me…
but maybe I’m waiting for something that isn’t going to come.

I’ve played with ideas – grad school (seminary, MFA programs…), local part-time jobs, local full-time jobs…none of it seems right. My desires…my wants don’t fit –
I had an idea – something kinda huge – something I’m too afraid to put out in writing – to vocalize – because…if I do it’ll make it real…it’ll make it something that may have to get done…and I may have to do it. And maybe God has given me the idea because I’m the only one who can do it – or I know the people who can help me do it…but if it’s even a real option to consider…it’s frightening. And as much as I want to feel like Lucy Pevensie in The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe (I think I can be brave enough!)I feel more like Lucy in Prince Caspian (I wish I was braver!)

Saturday night, after Donald spoke, the worship team came out and sang a song – it’s that song that I’ve posted above and below – “Beautiful History” by Plumb. It spoke volumes to me that night – and tonight as I heard it in the car driving home. It just seems to hit me where I am right now – that scared – wanna be brave – don’t know where to begin – kinda place… That place between know where I need to go but not knowing how to get there – that place between feeling alone, but knowing that I’m never alone…that place where living a story means having to write one, but not having the words to describe it

Living God’s Story Better

If I have a hope, it’s that God sat over the dark of nothing and wrote you and me, specifically, into the story, and put us in with the sunset and the rainstorm as though to say, “Enjoy your place in my story. The beauty of it means you matter… A Million Miles in a Thousand Years –Donald Miller

I’ve been reading Donald Miller’s new book – A Million Miles in a Thousand Years – and I don’t really know where to begin with it all. The book is like a reflection of my life in so many ways – and a projection of what I’d like my life to be…

Don talks a lot about the elements of story –
backup a second…first the premise of the book. Don has been presented with the opportunity to turn his life into a movie…basically his book Blue Like Jazz – which is the first book I read by Don…probably his most read book…
I honestly don’t even remember what the book was about…I DO remember using his chapter of illustrations as a devotional on my second mission trip to Northern Ireland…I remember that book speaking loads to me at the time…
I was in a time of transition back then – just graduating college and facing the world of vocation…

I’m in a similar place as I’m reading Don’s new book – which, as I was saying, is basically a telling of what he discovered about himself as he worked to turn his book into a movie…how he learned about elements that make a good story – and how life is like a story, only we don’t write our story…God does…we’re expected to live it out…

and it’s had me wondering what kind of story God has written out for me…and how I’m living it.
The way I see it, most of my life has been lived on the sidelines. I mean, I have a few chapters where I feel like life has happened in a way God intended…but it’s not a continuous thing.
I have mission trips, camp, worship experiences, travel experiences…things that have gotten me off the couch and had me living with a purpose. As of late…my life’s been…tepid…has been…stale.
And I guess really…I’m waiting for what Don calls the…inciting incident – the thing that happens that forces a character to make a choice…to change something (for better, or worse)… the moment when everything HAS to change…has to move forward.

I guess for me, I feel like that moment comes when I have a job offer – and I’m forced to leave the stale comfort of home, and move to a new ministry position. Maybe it’s happening right now (and I can’t help but get all giddy with anticipation) – maybe a church is deciding I’m the right fit for them, and they want to continue their talks with me. I can only hope so…

I had a phone call today from a church in Macon, GA – and things honestly feel good!! I mean, everything feels positive…and every time I think about it, I feel charged and ready to go.
The job will be a challenge – I don’t expect anything less – but from what I know right now…it just feels right!

I’ve been way too anxious with some of my job options – interviews that I’ve gotten, and I’ve gotten ahead of myself emotionally with things…and it’s all led to letdown and disappointment.
I don’t want that to happen this time…but, hanging up the phone this afternoon, I couldn’t help but feel like…maybe…just maybe…the story is finally moving forward.

It’s like there’s been all this exposition…and I’m finally feeling the climb to some sort of action…and I feel ready to explode. I feel ready to pack, ready to GO…

but it’s still a waiting game.

I have to wonder if God intended for our stories to be so….stop and go. I realize life can’t always be the mountaintop experiences…I can’t always have that spiritual high…
I mean, without the tough stuff, the highs wouldn’t be as sweet…we wouldn’t appreciate them when we have them…

For almost a year, now – I’ve been living a life on hold…I’ve been living in anticipation for the “what’s next” instead of living the “what’s now” – and that’s something I don’t’ think God ever intended.

In his book, Don talks about how he took action to live a better story – he hiked the Inca Trail in Peru, he paddled a kayak down a river for several days to a YoungLife camp, he finally forgave his dad and eventually met him for the first time in 30 years, he started riding a bike…and then rode it cross-country.

While I may not have the same story…I can have the same desire to live a better story. I can finally decide to take action, and get my life moving in a way I feel honors God.

I’ve been thinking up ways to change my story…
and for once, I’m finally thinking my life COULD be different…and maybe finally have ways to MAKING it different.
And while I’m hesitant to put things in writing just yet….
picture me running a marathon (maybe a half-marathon)
picture me on stage (somewhere) with a guitar in hand, in front of a microphone

Just picture me different….
maybe not physically (at least not JUST physically) – but all-around different.

It makes me excited…

I feel written. You can call it God or a conscience, or you can dismiss it as that intuitive knowing we all have as human beings; but there is a knowing I feel that guides me toward better stories, toward being a better character. I believe there is a writer outside ourselves, plotting a better story for us, interacting with us even, and whispering a better story into our consciousness. A Million Miles in a Thousand Years — Donald Miller

The Words I Would Say

Sometimes the words I need to hear don’t come from the people I really need to hear them from…but God still has a way of getting the words to me….

Today they came in a song by Sidewalk Prophets…

The Words I Would Say

Three in the morning, and I’m still awake
So I picked up a pen and a page
And I started writing just what I’d say
If we were face to face
I’d tell you just what you mean to me
Tell you these simple truths

Chorus
Be strong in the Lord
And never give up hope
You’re gonna do great things
I already know God’s got His hand on You
So don’t live life in fear
Forgive and forget
But don’t forget why you’re here
Take your time and pray
These are the words I would say

Last time we spoke you said you were hurting
And I felt your pain in my heart
I want to tell you that I keep on praying
Love will find you where you are
I know ’cause I’ve already been there
So please hear these simple truths

Chorus

Say from one simple life to another
I will say come find peace in the Father
Be strong in the Lord
And never give up hope
You’re gonna do great things I already know
God’s got His hand on You
So don’t live life in fear
Forgive and forget
But don’t forget why you’re here
Take your time and pray
And thank God for each day
His love will find a way
These are the words I would say

because even I sometimes struggle with self-doubt and wonder if I’m really doing all I can to follow God’s will. Sometimes I just need the affirmation that I’m doing okay…that the people around me are proud of what I’m doing – that my struggles aren’t in vain…

I will NOT use my faith like a lucky charm

I had some thoughts…but can’t seem to put them into words right now.
I try not to post just because things don’t seem to be going my way – but it’s during those times I tend to find the need to write.

I’m not even sure that things are really as bad as I think they are…because hind sight usually has me seeing better than before…

Back to the whole idea of testing the waters…trying all the doors to see if one opens…
okay, I can’t think of any other metaphors for this job hunt thing…
anyway – I applied to be an admissions counselor at Asbury. I saw the job posting on the school website a few weeks ago. I ignored it then. But last week I checked back and decided to fill out the application.
I got all excited thinking I was perfect for the job – thinking I had a lot to bring to the table…
today I check the website and see the job has been taken off the site – so my first conclusion is that the job has been filled.
So, I start getting all downcast, and hard-hearted… I’m starting to think God’s got it out for me…like a huge practical joke or something…
He’s just loving the struggle I’m having right now…

Nevermind the e-mail I got this morning from a church in New Jersey about wanting to schedule an interview with me for a youth ministry position. Nevermind the e-mail I got from the editor of Interlinc curriculum telling me he’d love me to volunteer as a writer for them – that I have a gift for communicating through the written word…
nevermind all that…

My brain sticks with the idea that my comfort may be disrupted – that I may not have a job at Asbury like I was picturing for myself…

So, tonight – after a day of contemplation with this job in NJ – I e-mailed the committee to schedule an interview for next week. I’m so tired of feeling like everything I feel qualified for…everything I feel like I’m doing in seeking God’s will…just isn’t enough.

And then it got me thinking about something else…
the idea that my quiet time with God isn’t so routine…is more like a rabbit’s foot when things seem to turn around just a little.
My faith is not something that can be turned on and off in good times and bad…
my faith is not something I can put on the back burner and leave simmering when I’m tired, or frustrated, or….

my faith is what makes me…my trusting in Christ to pull me through the muck is what defines me as a person.
Just because I don’t pull my Bible out every night to read doesn’t mean I believe any less.

i try to maintain a constant attitude of prayer. I try to maintain a mindset that would be pleasing to God –
I fill my head and heart with music I feel worships and praises the God of Creation…
I surround myself with people that not only support me and believe in what I believe…but also help to challenge me and urge me to grow in that faith.

So, why is it so easy to use my faith like a lucky charm?? Why do I tend to neglect the Bible sitting by my bedside??

I read on the Asbury site that Dr. Brown is on the committee to produce a C.S. Lewis study Bible – a Bible with excerpts from Lewis’ writing to aid in understanding and study!
There’s another Bible set to be released this year (I think) written by people all over the country – actually printed in human handwriting. Some company went around the country and had people sign up for verses…each verse is written by someone different.

Why do we need these (gimmicks?) to urge people to read the Word of God???

passion vs. calling

I have been thinking a lot about this whole writing thing….and ministry thing. Most of this has really been a simmering pot in the back of my mind…and finally last night…and today it’s all really started to boil over. Contribute it all to the rejection I got from the church in Detroit. Contribute it to my inability to feel confident about my direction in life. Contribute it to God’s unwillingness to have me settle…

I mean, I definitely feel a calling into ministy – there’s no question about that. I guess my confusion comes with the form that my ministry will take…is supposed to take.

Now, I’ve always had a passion for working with teens – but I’m wondering if my passion for Christian music outweighs the passion I have for teens – and if a passion for something is enough to completely chang directions. Everything in me says ‘yes.’

(and this is all connected to the writing thing, I promise)

I remember having a discussion with Dr. Budd back in the day about how people place too much emphasis on passion for something – rather than placing importance on calling…
and that morphed into some kind of decision/discussion as to how our calling fits our passions, etc.

Last night – Ernie Haase and Signature Sound came to Lexington – did an amazing! AMAZING!!! concert! I’m totally in my element when it comes to concerts and music that proclaims the Truth of Christ! Great music, people worshipping – there’s just something special about it and I’m completely pulled in everytime! The atmosphere, the music, the lifestyle – everything about it appeals to me, my nature, my desires!

At the show last night, before the guys got on stage, I made a passing comment to my mom about representing the group as their writer – taking a job blogging for them, keeping websites updated (facebook, etc.), newsletter writing, etc. (All of this followed a comment my grandfather made – “You’ll be up there singing tenor for the group one day” – still not sure what he’s thinking…like I have THAT great of a singing voice…barely even good…NOT even good). But, this idea was never something that really ever occurred to me as something that I could or should seriously consider pursuing.
But all day today the idea hasn’t left my head.
I’ve continually asked myself…what if? How could I…???
Is this seriously something I could consider pursuing…and most importantly…HOW could I pursue this?

I’ve conisidered ministry to youth a calling. And while I’ve had some experience in the field – I wonder if that’s enough to pull me back in? After talking with a professor this past semester, I’ve come to a new understanding concerning calling – and how not-so-fixed a calling (or the scope of a calling) may be. While I’ve felt a calling into ministry – I’m STILL not so sure I’m cut out for full-time church ministry.
I mean, a big reason I’ve taken to applying for church jobs as of late is really to serve as a bridge to a full-time writing career of some sort down the road.

How could I manage to take that bridge and bypass it all together? Where could I begin NOW writing – and feeling like my calling is being fulfilled?

I’ve always dreamed of working with Christian musicians – traveling, working PR, even just selling merchandise or something… I think the life would be exciting, would be challenging, would really just open so much up for me…
but again…where do I go from here? I mean…I’d hate to think I’ve had these dreams/desires so long…to think it’s all really just a pipe dream. I don’t think it is.

So, where do I go from here?

Do I contact artists directly? Do I contact managers? Do I contact record labels? Do I stick with applying for ministry/church jobs and forget this idea as a fleeting moment of starry eyed flappability??
I mean, I don’t really want to forget that I JUST spent a year of my life earning a creative writing degree just to go back to something that, while I feel called to some degree, frustrated me on so many levels.

I think I’m just going to decide to go for it – just see what can happen over the next couple weeks.
I mean, the last time I applied for ministry jobs – I sent out at least 10 resumes and NEVER heard from one church. This time around, I’ve already sent out that many – and maybe a few more. I’ve had four interviews (2 interviews for 2 different churches – which is further than I got last time btw). I’ve heard from one that they don’t think the fit is right. I’m still waiting to hear from the other church. Just the other day I sent out two more resumes for church programs (still with the questions to desire/fit/calling running through my head).
So, while I’m looking for that, what’s the harm in trying to make contact about some other stuff?
I mean, the best way to discover God’s leading is to try ALL the doors, right??

true calling

Did a lot of thinking today – mostly about where I’m headed.
For months I’ve been thinking I’m not meant for full-time church ministry – yet it’s exactly to full-time church ministry that I feel myself drawn.
I’ve sent out my first serious inquiry into a job in South Carolina. It’s an associate position for high school ministry – which is exciting and intriguing.

See, all this time I’ve been thinking about full-time writing – writing for a magazine, or as of late, developing curriculum (Bible studies for youth ministry). And I get so excited thinking about writing – I get so excited thinking about what I want to do in developing curriculum based off Christian music…but I don’t even know where to begin.
So – what’s keeping me back from ministry? It’s where all my skills lie – it’s a passion I have – it’s something I know (or think) I’m good at doing –
so what’s keeping me from doing it while pursuing the writing thing?

I e-mailed my former senior pastor tonight, and spilled all of this out (word vomit) and in the process talked myself into it…or made myself see a bit more clearly (of God just clarified things for me)…. and so… I’m officially on the hunt again – looking for the right ministry fit for me – a place where I can be the most used – and still grow in my faith!

I think mostly – as far as ministry is concerned my concerns (or fears) lie in the idea of true calling (which I have no doubt ministry is my calling). I’m worred, I guess, that I’ll lose heart, that I’ll fall into the ruts I fell into last time…
So, I guess it’s all an intentional thing – making sure I maintain habits that are healthy for me physically, socially, and spiritually…
this time around, I know what to do – know the steps I need to take to make sure I’m at my best, so I can best minister to the teens with whom I work.

There’s a peace I feel in this – a feeling of assurance –
it’s the feeling I LOVE – in knowing I’m within God’s will!