A Year with Aslan: Day 23 – Pleased with Nothing

So, I’ve ended my adventures in Narnia – at least I’ve actually read The Chronicles of Narnia in their entirety.  It’s a bittersweet moment – one that brought me chills of excitement, tears of joy and sadness, and a longing even more for a lion named Aslan.

And while I’ll continue to look back on Narnia, I’m looking forward to beginning my adventures in Middle Earth.  There’s something just as special about the bravery of two hobbits and a great king!

For a month now, well…23 days…I’ve lived in Narnia – having adventures with Eustace and Jill, Shasta and Aravis, Digory and Polly…and Peter, Edmund, and Lucy.  But it was a return to the Dawn Treader that my daily Aslan reading gave me tonight.  And the reminder of the boy Eustace used to be…quite unhappy with his lot on board the fine ship.

In all of these books, there seems to be a character opposed to the magic of Narnia, unwilling to open up and accept the wonder.  In the end they get their come-uppance…and it’s not really surprising…
And to be honest, I’m not really sure where I’m going with all of this…because for the past two years, I’ve been Eustace – wishing I was back where I was…not happy with the here and now.  And while, lately, I’ve felt a change…a kind of acceptance for things…I still feel that anger and resentment rising up in me sometimes.

And I think I like to pin a lot of that anger on my brother.  I don’t know why.  Maybe because I know the kind of life I’d like to be living…knowing if I could, I WOULD.  And I see my brother, quite capable of living the life I WANT to be living and yet he does nothing with it.  He squanders all that is given to him…and I’m angry and I’m hurt.  I want nothing more than to yell at my brother, to tell him how I’m feeling, to tell him how hurtful it is to watch him continually let me down…let my family down…

but I can’t.
I think it partly goes back to what I wrote last night – would what I say be just as hurtful to him?  Would it make a difference? 

And I see my parents and I know they’re hurting as much as I am by they way he treats us.  And I know they’re faced with tough decisions…they say they’re going to act upon…and for the life of me, I hope they do – but for the life of me…I can’t step into their shoes…because as much as I can say I understand their torment, I don’t.  I see my brother continuing to mess up, continuing to disappoint, and I hear threats of action being tossed around…yet I see nothing happening.
And I almost feel like that’s more of a let down.  Because, as hard as it may be to put those words into action…it’s harder to watch the downward spiral of a brother I love and pray for daily.

What I want more than anything right now is wisdom.  I want the courage to speak my mind and heart to my brother, and to do so in a loving way.  I want my brother’s heart to remain open to the words I so want to say to him.  I want to witness a change in him.
I want to know the direction my life should take…in a ministry…in a career.  I want to quit worrying about what’s next and learn to be content in what I have.

But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; than peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere.  Peacemakers who sow in peace raise a harvest of righteousness.  James 3: 17-18

Now listen, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money.” Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow.  What is your life?  You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes.  Instead, you out to say, “If it is the Lord’s will, we will live and do this or that.”  As it is, you boast and brag.  All such boasting is evil. Anyone, then who knows the good he out to do and doesn’t do it, sins. James 4: 13-17

A Year With Aslan: Day 2 – Their Own Secret Country

I must have been an unusual child – at least according to C.S. Lewis…

I don’t think I ever pretended to have my own country.  I don’t even remember dreaming about a place of my own…at least not as a child.  Many times over the last couple years I’ve dreamed of living in my own apartment…back out on my own. 
Not quite the same as having a country of my own…but really…not all that different either, I guess.  I mean, I can imagine the Pevensie children, in The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe longed for a place away from the dangers and worries of war.  I can imagine, especially, having left wondering if and when they’d ever get to go back.  And, like in today’s reading, Lucy and Edmund, knowing they’d eventually be going back, couldn’t stop wondering and talking about when that would be. 

I mean, I’ve been back home for 2 years…and I can’t stop making plans for when I move back out.  Things I’ll have to do in order to move…plans for visiting people, buying furniture…  and i can’t help but constantly wonder when it’ll finally happen.  I mean, living at home doesn’t really hinder my freedom any, don’t get me wrong – I’m very grateful for the help of my parents – but mentally I feel myself stunted.  Like – checking in with my parents when I get home at night, letting them know I’m in safe.  Or…and especially this past year and a half…asking to borrow the car to go somewhere…or having to wait for Mom to pick me up so I can get to my part-time job on time. I think not having a car of my own is worse than not having a place of my own…
In many ways…sure…I long for my own place…my own car…my own life of independence.

I guess I’ve always been on the dependant side of things…struggle with independence when it’s presented.  College was really the first time I spent any significant time away from home…from my parents…and we all know the struggle I faced my first two years.  I came home every weekend…cried over my plight of going back to school – not because I’d be away from home…but other struggles I face – a general lack of social skills, really…and I think it all stems from my dependence and lack of social life from high school. 
I never went away to camp – never had more than a couple of nights away from my family…

and now…that I’m nearly 30 – a STILL living at home (granted the two years I lived in Ohio have to count for something) – but…it leaves me longing for that adult feeling I once had….that longing for…a country of my own…a place where I can feel more myself…a little less clingy to the creature comforts…and a little more free to just be whoever I am…away from my parents.

I have to admit, it always made me feel a little bad confessing to my mom how different I am away from them.  My camp/youth pastor persona is completely different from that of when I’m at home.  I’m rather mild when I’m at home…bordering on dull and boring sometimes.  And it’s sad…i miss the person I really know I am…the person I know I can be when I’m…away.  It’s like…I’m losing the real me the longer I stay here – and in so many ways, I’m sure Peter, Lucy, Susan, and Edmund all felt the same way.