I used to think that Christmastime suddenly meant all was right with the world. All the stress of life went away. People were happier. Problems simply didn’t exist at Christmas.
I so want this to be true.
But it seems, the more Christmas’s I spend at home, the further from truth these ideas become.
This past year, I’ve been privy to so many truths that my soul cries for the naiveté it once had, especially at Christmas. That naivete of waking up on Christmas morning and realizing that the world was different. The naivete of believing it was…just different.
All I want is to feel the joy, the warmth, the uplifting spirit of knowing there’s something different about the world this time of year.
Because, right now…I’m not feeling it.
I’m seeing the stress of a family dealing with too much – a brother NOT dealing with life and responsibilities wisely, a mother dealing with WAY too much with parents in need, a husband in need…
and I”m tired of feeling like I’m the bridge between them all…
because my support is beginning to fail…
I’m cracking under the weight of feeling like I’m not doing enough, that I CAN’T be the daughter I need to be…that I can’t be the Christian I need to be…because I’m sad. I’m disappointed in myself…i’m losing hope…
and all I want to do is get back to that place I used to be…
and, not for lack of trying….i can’t get back.
And maybe it’s because it’s this time of year…
and maybe it’s because of everything finally mounting up…and I feel like it’s all ready to collapse…I’m ready to collapse…that there’s something waiting to be triggered and it’ll all come falling down on me – I don’t know if I”m strong enough to keep holding it up.
The effort it took to put up our Christmas tree, alone, was so great…even doing it a week later than usual. And I did it alone.
the desire I normally have for worship, for celebrating the advent of Christ….it’s taking everything within me to find it…to put anything into action.
and it’s killing me that I just don’t want to…
I want healing in my family. I want healing in my soul.
Because for all the bad I’m seeing…for all the stress…for all the worst I see in people despite the holiday season…I’ve not lost hope in the gift of this season. I know there’s healing and deliverence in the birth of Christ. I know there’s redemption and hope in the birth of Christ.
And I long for that to take hold of my heart – that hope, that redemption, that deliverence…I long to feel the excitement Iused to feel – that warmth, that peace…that despite the crap going on…there’s something bigger worth striving for…there’s Someone worth living for…
This is what it feels like... 