quite frankly I feel like blogging is kind of a waste of energy right now – given all that’s been going on with my family over the past three days, but it’s this. exactly this. that I need right now.
Stealing an idea from a fellow-Asburian/fellow-blogger-friend – I’m taking a moment just to capture one moment that made today worthwhile – a moment in my day where the stress seemed to disappear for a while….
At first I thought it may be during the drive to the hospital this morning. The sun was out, Dad and I were driving through downtown Lexington, and this guy comes up alongside us at a stop light. He’s on a motorcycle, dressed in surf shorts/swim trunks, thong sandals, and a white t-shirt, wearing sporty sunglasses with that thick-kindof-sporty strap to keep them from blowing off.
And just for that moment….it felt like summer at the beach. and i was home.
As great as that moment was…
My moment now far exceeds that.
Sitting in the semi-darkness of my room, my computer open, a blank page open on Word, and ideas for writing in my head. The possiblities are endless for me right now – but it’s not even that.
It’s Jeremy Camp singing “Give me Jesus” – the song resonating in my mind for the past 48 hours – and the tears that flow at the simple request as the stress falls away and I realize Jesus has been here all along.
There’s a LOT of music out there that I like. (that’s kind of a stupid comment) I consider myself open to just about every genre – pop, rock, alternative, rap, girl rock, basic acoustic stuff, southern gospel….pretty much anything in the Christian music world. There’s very little I don’t like – as most who know me can confirm. (It really goes for all music, Christian or not)
Back when FFH was together, I bought their albums (mostly because of the two-or-so songs I enjoyed at the time, and because one of my best college friends LOVED them). I was never really a fan, I have to admit. They were just one of those bands I could never really…take much of. There is that couple of songs, though, that get me singing along, but all-in-all they’re sound never really pulled me in.
All that aside, FFH is reuniting – after years of ministry apart from their music as a band, and life journeys – they’ve come back together and were actually on K-LOVE last night doing an interview with Scott and Kelly. I wasn’t thinking much about it, really – maybe a quick thought of Oh yeah, I forgot about them or something to that effect.
They got to talking about the struggles they’d faced, as a group and individually, over the past several years – and they played one of their old songs (titled above).
As God tends to do, He struck me dumbfounded as I drove home from Georgetown, listening to the words of this song.
I can’t find the words to pray, I’m a little down today
Can You help me, Can You hold me?
I feel a million miles away, And I don’t know what to say
Can You hear me anyway?
What I need is for You to reach out Your hand
You have taught me no matter what You’d understand
Lord move in the way, that I’ve never seen before
Cause there’s a mountain in the way and a lock on the door
I’m drifting away, waves are crashing on the shore
So Lord move (move), or move me.
I’ve looked every where to find a simple peace of mind
But, I can’t find nothing on my own
So I gotta leave myself behind, take up this cross of mine
Give away everything I hold onto
Lord I know the only way is through this
But Lord, I know I need You to help me do this
Lord move in the way, that I’ve never seen before
Cause there’s a mountain in the way and a lock on the door
I’m drifting away, waves are crashing on the shore
So Lord move (move), or move me.
Out of this place of complacency
To a place of fellowship with Thee
‘Cause I am weak, but Lord, You are so strong
And You know it’s been way too long
It’s been way too long
Lord move in the way, that I’ve never seen before
Cause there’s a mountain in the way and a lock on the door
I’m drifting away, waves are crashing on the shore
So Lord move Lord Move or Move Me – FFH
I guess what really gets me – despite the fact that within the last week I’ve recieved three (that’s three out of the five I’ve been waiting on) negative responses on job opportunities – is the fact that….I’ve become complacent (sort of) in my current situation. I’ve gotten used to the fact that…eventually I’ll get a job…eventually I’ll “find my way,” I guess.
I don’t want that.
And I know…I KNOW God doesn’t want that for me.
At least, that’s one thing I know God wants for me. Because, honestly – I’ve started to question everything else.
I’ve been (almost daily) looking at one of the many books on my amazon wishlist. It’s called Plan B: What To Do When God Doesn’t Show Up the Way You Thought He Would
Quite honestly, I feel like God hasn’t shown up at all…which is quite unexpected from what I was thinking would happen. And it’s gotten me wondering about what I thought may be God’s plan for me.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m still convinced God wants me in youth ministry. But, I think – at least I wonder if – maybe I’ve gotten more wrapped up in what I want and not so much what God wants for me.
I feel like God wants me to grow, not just in my relationship with Him, but with myself as well.
One question I got asked when I interviewed with Tentmakers a few weeks ago – was about how I stretch myself out of my comfort zone…how I get outside my introvertedness.
I had to admit, a big part of that was moving away from home – making myself physically set-apart from my safe zone. When I’m away, I have to open up and adapt more quickly. Besides, when I’m away from family, I feel like I’m more free to be…me…or at least a different me than what my family usually sees.
And I think, in ministry God affords me those opportunities to grow as a person…to learn more of what I’m capable of…to recognize the real boundaries I can set for myself.
And it’s hard NOT to get excited about what I know I want to be doing…especially when I start thinking about things I’d like to do within a ministry setting…things I’d like to share…things like that.
But, I think the one thing that makes it even harder…is the idea that maybe God doesn’t want that for me…at least, not like I thought.
It’s been a year, now, that I’ve been actively seeking out a full-time ministry position. I’ve had nothing but rejection thus far. Sure, I’ve had the occassional phone interview….but they’ve not materialized into anything.
At first I realized maybe my education in creative writing was hurting me – churches saw maybe I had more passion for writing than for youth ministry. So, I made it known that one passion feeds another…one only helps me do the other better….
Now, I’m thinking my time out of ministry is hurting me. People see I left my job after two years….I went back to school….so what have I been doing this last year? It’s a fair question…
and I have a well-thought-out answer….
I just wish people would afford me the opportunity to answer it.
I don’t know. I still don’t think I’m ready to think about “plan b…” yet. I feel like, I’m still heading in the right direction…and I think once I find the church for me it’ll all seem like gravy….
I mean, I’ve still got a couple prospects open (one church in VA is really taking their time reviewing resumes – at least that’s what they tell me they’re doing) – and I’m still sending resumes out as I find openings that seem to fit what I’m looking for (opportunities to stretch and grow, but also thrive).
I guess, really – all this frustration comes down to the main point of the song….Lord, move in a way that I’ve never seen before – move these mountains, open these doors that seem to be blocking everything I THINK You want me to do – or, Lord move ME – give me clarity of mind to read the situation and make the right choices…because I’m tired of guessing
I’m a little weird – this probably doesn’t come as news to most people – but given my tendencies to be a little….odd, I also find myself dealing with the typical “girl” situations as well.
It’s no secret my love life has been….absent the past 28 years.
And to the people that know me best – it’s no secret that I’ve long desired to, one day, marry a Christian musician. I’ve always had a “soft spot” for – guys who play guitar, guys who sing, guys who love Jesus, and…well….let’s face it… guys with British accents. You give me a Brit who loves to sing about Jesus and I’d be smitten!!
I also realize, though, there’s this little place in which I live – a place called reality…er…Cynthiana…and the odds of finding said British guitar player is quite non-existent.
That being said – I’m not holding my breath on the chances of falling in love in the next few months.
However, I can’t seem to help myself, from time to time, when I come across a band (a new band, mind you) and instantly take note of the lead male’s left hand. (Go ahead, call me weird). There’s just something (some distant hope, maybe) that rises a bit when I learn about these guys…these musicians…when they’re hearts come out in their songs, when they challenge their listeners to grow in their own relationships with Christ. There’s just something – maybe the hopeless romantic in me – that wonders….that thinks….just maybe….
Listening to K-Love last week – there was an interview with Phil Wickham, Leeland, and Matt Maher (I think it was those guys) … and then the other night they interviewed Matt Brower… and the stories of how these guys met their wives…how they got engaged…
It just makes me a bit….weepy…. a bit…sentimental.
I can’t remember which guy it was – talking about his fiance, how she traveled the road with them, sold merchandise for them every night….and all I’m thinking is….I WANT THAT!!!
I’ve not completely given up on the idea…quite honestly – something inside me feels like God’s given me these desires for a reason….
but…I’m also realistc….
BUT – I’m not willing to settle, either! 🙂
I figure – just maybe – God’s got my British-Christian-guitar-player waiting for me…..somewhere.
On a more serious note –
given the idea that I’m sticking with my musical devotions….I’ve attached a video from Tenth Avenue North – the story behind their newest single “This Is Where The Healing Begins” – great song , powerful message!
Give it a watch – give it some thought….and begin the healing process of your own.
I completely understand the need for patience when dealing with God’s will and plan for my life – I feel like I’ve been the epitome of patience this past year (minus a couple emotional breakdowns and episodes of doubt).
But, to be honest – I’m sorta getting to a point where I just want to say “enough is enough.” How much longer do I really have to wait?
Dad finally got hired on by the state. He’s working in the Mine Permit department – lots of paperwork and whatnot – but it’s been an answer to a year-long prayer for us. This job (despite his retirement from Sylvania and part-time job at Wal-Mart) has been a long time coming. Finally, I think my parents see some financial peace in the near future – at least with the combination of Dad’s Social Security, Mom’s upcoming Social Security, and Dad’s retirement from Sylvania and eventually the state – I think they’ll be okay in the long run.
Matthew changed jobs – has joined a new company. We’re all excited for the new opportunity. He’s moved from selling children’s clothing to selling gaming systems and video games. He’s MADE for this job. Just yesterday he called to say they’ve given him his own store to manage. He’ll be right in High Point, so his commute is virtually non-existant. He’ll be able to pick-up William from day care as needed. It’s a great situation, it seems.
Michael just applied for a position with Tiffany’s – the jewelry store chain. They’re opening a distribution center in Lexington (I think). With his 10 years experience in jewelry repair, stone setting, and polishing, they’ve already called him back and conducted a phone interview. He’ll go in a couple of weeks to do a bench test. It finally seems like his ship has come in. He’ll make a decent income with them, will get benefits…
I think Papaw’s finally excited for Michael – finally hoping this is the opportunity he needs to turn his life around. I think we’re all keeping our fingers crossed on this one.
But, with everyone finally settling – or re-settling – into their lives….I’m still waiting for mine to start.
I recently sent a brief update of my life to a professor I had at Asbury. She said to me, Sounds like you’re in a normal life stage; so many of them seem to be us waiting for the next thing. I trust that you are at peace and trusting God for His timing.
Lately – at least within the past couple hours, it feels like that peace and trust I’ve been working so hard to build up has kind of fallen away. My frustration with this whole waiting thing is resurfacing…
This process of praying, of waiting…. it’s sooooooooo much.
And while I’m happy that the people in my life finally seem to be finding structure and security….well…I guess I’m just a little jealous, too.
The fullness of Your grace is here with me – the richness of Your beauty’s all I see – the brightness of Your glory has arrived – in Your presence God, I’m completely satisfied – for You I sing, I dance – rejoice in this divine romance – lift my heart and my hands to show my love – to show my love
A deep, deep flood – an ocean flows from You – of deep, deep love – yeah it’s fillin’ up the room – Your innocent blood has washed my guilt to life – in Your presence, God, I’m completely satisfied – for You I sing, I dance – rejoice in this divine romance – lift my heart and my hands to show my love – to show my love -Phil Wickham – Divine Romance
So, why is it so hard to be completely satisfied in God’s presence?
I mean, why do we long so much for the things we can fully grasp – the job, the paycheck, the security of knowing the money’s there – that the bills will be paid, the fact that a significant other is there when you get home at night, that your children are safe and happy….
why do we so often hold onto those things as markers of success in life?
Why can’t life simply be arms raised in unabandoned worship to God the Father? Why can’t the worries of life simply take the back burner to the only thing that truly matters?
I mean, to tell you the truth – I’m sick and tired of worrying about when a job will finally turn up. I’m tired of wondering if I’m REALLY following God’s plan for my life – wondering if I’ve really figured it all out right.
I mean, whether or not God’s got a specific plan laid out for me is kind of beside the point anymore. I’ve kind of made up my mind that He probably doesn’t have one specific thing in mind for me. And I guess I can thank Donald Miller for this “revilization.” I mean, I know the general plan is for me to be in youth ministry. Now, whether or not God has a specific church picked out for me….I’m not so sure. I mean…what if He’s picked out a church and I don’t apply for their open position…or they dont’ have an open position…or whatever….
I think there are too many factors to get in the way – and not that God couldn’t or wouldn’t take care of those factors – but…I’m not sure He gets THAT invested…THAT involved in every aspect of my life. I mean, I’ve got to make the decision…I’ve got to direct my life…
It’s like Donal Miller said – it’s up to me to invite God into the story He’s written…it’s up to me to live it. God wants to be a participant in the story…
and I’ve been over all that before…
I guess what I’m trying to get at right now….the point I’m really trying to make –
I feel like I’m waiting for God to just give me the solution – just point me to the place and say…there…that’s what your supposed to do…that’s where your supposed to go. I really just want to take the human factor out of everything and give God TOTAL CONTROL….
but I know that’s not gonna happen. It’s not how He programmed this whole free will thing to happen.
So, I find peace in what my former pastor told me as I ended my time in Ohio – as long as I’m seeking to please God, to worship God, and follow His leading…I’ll be within His plans for my life. ‘Cause, I guess that’s really all He asks from any of us….just to let Him in on what’s going on!
This is what it feels like... 