In my ventures of “being a writer” I find myself…NOT…more often than I DO. I have four chapters of my pending novel in written format – word documents opened up on my laptop, ready to be revised, ready to be tweaked. I have a new document open for chapter five – and when I find myself sitting down to write, I, more often than not, find myself staring at the cursor – wandering and waiting for something to move inside me…something to get the words and story moving again.
Is it this way for every writer?
I remember listening to a John Grisham interview and the advice he gave up-and-coming writers was simple – Write every day, otherwise your novel will never get written.
Most of what I write is on the already-written…so it’s maybe not even really writing…
It’s been a while – probably almost a year – since I’ve written anything new.
Frustrating.
It’s where I stand with it all right now – life…writing…everything.
Just. Frustrating.
On another note –
I watched the official trailer for Twilight: Eclipse
I’m totally geeked about this movie – I’m past being a closet-Twilight fan – the trailer looks fantastic. I’m putting it right up there with the Harry Potter trend – each consecutive movie gets a little better! So – now I’ve got to focus my energy and come up with some stellar Bible study I can base around the themes in this movie (it’s sooooo much more than good vs. evil)
And while I wait for the movie – and brainstorm on topics worth blogging about (because it seems like many of my posts are just rehashing all the same things) I’m thinking of starting a new writing project – to work on while also maintaining the other…
I’ve owned a guitar for…five years? now – definitely need to learn to play it – could come in handy with whatever job I get (this summer…I hope)…so I think I’m going to finally sit down and learn how to play it – I’ve got Guitar for Dummies – ’cause let’s face it…I’m no Einstein (most of the time)…guess it’s about time I get my money’s worth and actually use it! And maybe I”ll blog about it along the way…
we’ll see how that goes
BTW – any suggestions for guitar-learning materials that may prove better than the dummies material??? Can use all the help I can get…
Started listening to this song – part of my novel playlist (songs that fit the theme for the theme of the novel I’m attempting to write – songs that tend to put me in the mood for writing) – and quite honestly, when I hear it I get a little sentimental. Not because it brings back all these memories (though, in a way it does) but the message of the song is quite the same as the message of a hymn (Here I Am Lord) we sang at a friends funeral a few years ago. The idea that I still can’t sing that hymn all the way through without getting choked…even thinking about it hurts.
But that’s really beside the point – at least for this post.
Sometimes Your calling comes in dreams – Sometimes it comes in the Spirit’s breeze – You reached for the deepest hope in me and call out for the things of eternity – but I’m a man of dust and stains – You move in me so I can say – Here I am – Lord, send me – All of my life I make an offering – Here I am – Lord, send me – Somehow my story is a part of Your plan – Here I am
Setbacks and failures and upset plans – Test my faith and leave me with empty hands – Are You not the closest when it’s hardest to stand – I know that you will finish what You began – and these broken parts You redeem – become the song that I can sing – Here I am – Lord, send me – All of my life i make an offering – Here I am – Lord, send me – Somehow my story is a part of your plan – here I am
overwhelmed by the thought of my weakness – and the fear that I’ll fail you in the end – in this mess I’m just one of the pieces – I can’t put this together, but You can – Here I am – Lord, send me – Want to live my life as an offering – Here I am – Lord, send me – Somehow my story is part of Your plan – So, here I am Downhere – Here I Am
What’s kind of funny about all of this – the dreams I’ve been having as of late. Sort of.
The other night, I had a dream that I had a real job – maybe you saw my status on Facebook. While I’m a believer that God can speak through dreams, I’ve not experienced such a miracle myself. I’ve never been visited by an angel telling not to be afraid(because, frankly it’d be the first thing I’d want to hear if an angel appeared to me in a dream – I’d totally be freaked), I’ve never heard my name whispered – gone to check if someone called me only to be told that God is calling my name, that I should listen and respond “Here I am”. I’ve never had those types of experiences. I DO believe they could happen – they just haven’t to me.
Most of the time, when God speaks to me – it’s through a feeling…a feeling of peace, or a word of affirmation/confirmation from someone i love and trust…something along those lines. Maybe it’s been a suggestion someone has given me that’s turned into something good….
Quite often, I wonder just how much of God’s voice I’m missing out on because I’m not listening…but I have a feeling that’ll take another post.
I think what gets me – given these dreams that I’ve had of having a real job – of being in a new ministry position – is more the fact of being willing to give it all up. I’m so anxious to find a new position, to move out and “get my life started” – I keep saying it, I keep praying that it’ll finally happen, that I can finally start feeling like the adult I should be….but it’s scary.
If it could be so simple just to say “Here I am, Lord. Send me,” that all the fear would be wiped away that I’d be given the confidence of the greatest prophets…
But, it’s scary.
In part of wanting to give it all to God, I know part of that includes control over my own life. When I was living in Ohio, I was so set in wanting to move back to Kentucky. I missed my family like crazy and couldn’t wait to get back. At the end of my two years in Ohio, God gave me a way of getting back to Kentucky. Moving in with my parents was supposed to be temporary (that was two years ago). But, God’s been doing other things with me…at least with my heart.
He renewed in me, a passion for ministry – revived my desire and passion for youth work. For a year he’s held me in waiting…apparently I’ve been applying to all the wrong churches…and it seems, the longer I wait the more ready I am to get out and DO ministry!
But, regardless of how ready I am….it’s still flippin’ me out!
I want to say wholeheartedly that I’m ready…but I know part of me still wants to hold back. I can’t let fear stop me – and I know I won’t. I know when the right ministry position comes along…things will probably flow so smoothly I’ll wonder why in the world it took so long. And I know whatever happens will be an adjustment for everyone – change is always an adjustment.
But, I know – willingness to offer my service to God’s glory is really all He asks. I know God’s not calling me to something beyond my means…and if He does – He provides. So, in that – there’s no need to flip out!
I know with my willingness – it’s just a matter of time before God points me in the direction I need to be headed and tells me “Go!”
I just read through the book of Malachi. Not sure why I’m just now reading it for the first time, why (seriously) no one has even brought this book to my attention over the past year – given the tone of most of my posts being in the very same nature as this book.
Either way – I guess God has His timings…which usually turn out to be perfect –
maybe I wasn’t ready to hear this until today…
K-Love is doing their annual Spring pledge drive this week. Typically, when K-Love is taking pledges, I switch stations – they tend to do more talking, more fundraising, more cheering and thanking than they actually play music.
It’s okay. I understand the need for them to raise funds. Honestly, if I had the money, I’d pledge and support the station financially – but right now, I can’t.
I think God understands.
I think the thing that gets me the most about their fundraisers, though – how hard they try to drill into the listener’s heart/head that God is leading them to give money….to give prayer….to give.
I understand the need to have money in order to minister effectively to so many people. But, as often as I listen to the station, I keep noticing a trend in what the DJs are saying…
and maybe it’s convicting me….but there’s something in me that stirs when they say what they say. And, I really wish I could give a direct quote of what they say that gets me all riled up, because I’m not explaining it so well here.
But, anyway…
So, K-Love is doing their pledge drive – and in the process of soliciting donations Scott Smith makes mention of this book he’s been reading – Crazy Love (which is actually on my Amazon wishlist) – but he pulls out this chapter that he’d just finished reading captioned “Serving God Left-overs.”
What he was trying to get at, I think, was basically the idea that as humans, we tend to give God whatever we have left at the end of the day – if we have enough money at the end of the week, we toss a couple bucks in the offering plate. If we have a few extra minutes at the end of the day, maybe we toss up a prayer of thanks…or maybe we just asking for more stuff.
The idea of this chapter, I guess, came straight out of the book of Malachi – chapter one.
In this chapter, Malachi is speaking for God – God is angry that people are presenting blemished sacrifices – lambs that are crippled, lambs that are blind – and he asks them – Would you offer these to your governor?
God asks – When you bring injured, crippled, or diseased animals and offer them as sacrifices, should I accept them from our hands? Cursed is the cheat who has an acceptable male in his flock and vows to give it, but then sacrifices a blemished animal to the Lord. I am a great king, and my name is to be feared among the nations.
He is God of the Universe….and what am I giving???? Not a lot – practically nothing.
The book continues on with God speaking to the muted attitudes of the Israelite’s worship and giving –
“Will a man rob God? Yet you rob me.” But you ask, “How do we rob you?”
“In tithes and offerings. You are under a curse – the whole nation of you – because you are robbing me. Bring the whole tithe into the storehouse, that there may be food in my house. Test me in this,” says the Lord Almighty, “and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that you will not have room enough for it. I will prevent pests from devouring your crops and vines in your fields will not cast their fruit,” says the Lord Almighty. “Then all the nations will call you blessed for yours will be a delightful land.” 3: 8-12
It’s like when the widow gives only two pennies, yet the priests make a big show of giving only a small portion of what they COULD give – Jesus blesses the woman for giving all she had (Mark 12: 41-44) while admonishing the rich for making a show of what they give –
Obviously God doesn’t care about WHAT we give…or HOW MUCH we give – but He DOES care about the attitude in which we give.
When we present offerings to God – monetary or not – we’re going to be blessed – God says it outright – good things will happen.
I’m not sure I want to risk NOT giving all I have!
Give Until There’s Nothing Left – Relient K No one told me the right way, the right way to go about this
So, I’ll figure it out for myself.
Cause how much is too much to give you?
Well, I may never know, so I’ll just give until there’s nothing else.
Yeah, I’ll give, give, give until there’s nothing else
Give my all until it all runs out
Give, give
And I’ll have no regrets;
I’ll give until there’s nothing left
I’ll give.
No one told me how bad I need You
But, I somehow arrived at that conclusion all by myself
And I want all You have to offer
So I’ll offer myself and
I’ll just give until there’s nothing else
Yeah, I’ll give, give, give until there’s nothing else
Give my all until it all runs out
Give, give
and I’ll have no regrets,
I’ll give until there’s nothing left
Sometimes it seems like all I do is ask for things
until I ask too much of you But that’s not the way I wanna live;
I need to change
Yeah, something’s got to give
I kind of feel like I need to clarify a little after my last post –
Don’t get me wrong, I’ve (more than once) witnessed God’s healing power. I’ve seen what can happen when God is given control.
There’s this peace that comes over everything….this feeling that all is right where it should be.
I know what that feels like. I know.
But, sometimes – even with problems as small as mine – sometimes it just feels like…where’s God???
I want to hand these things over – but part of me thinks….sometimes the problems aren’t big enough….or….sometimes I can just handle things on my own. It’s not that I don’t trust God to do it…
I guess maybe it’s more like…I want God to worry about bigger things….maybe.
But, still…sometimes – it’s just –
Sometimes even the small things can pile up. Sometimes even the small things can feel like too much – and THAT’s when I feel like I’m pushing through the crowd – maybe just one touch of His garment will take the struggle/the pain/the hurt away.
I can’t quite seem to get my mind together to say what’s on my heart. I think I’ve started this thing out a dozen different ways, and none of them seem to capture exactly what’s stirring inside me.
The family got together tonight – my grandparents, my cousins, my brother…most of us met at Blue Licks for dinner to celebrate my grandfather’s 88th birthday. Driving home tonight, I kept trying to stir something inside me – something to get me back in the blogging mood – to come up with something worth blogging about…
Obviously not always an easy task – waiting for God to speak through the noise and lay something on my heart.
In the process of landscape-viewing, I heard Jeremy Camp on the radio.
I have to admit – I’ve heard this song a TON. K-LOVE probably plays it a half-dozen times every day…and I have it on iTunes…so I have the opportunity to hear it as often as I’d like.
I love Jeremy Camp – his ministry is so powerful. His testimony, his music, is honest, is heart-wrenching….but this particular song really hasn’t spoken volumes to me in the times I’ve listened to it.
It’s actually kind of crazy that it’s speaking to me now… and really – it’s not even the song as a whole that’s moving inside me – it’s a phrase….
but for the sake of keeping with previous posts….the lyrics
I have seen the many faces of fear and of pain – I have watched the tears fall plenty, from heartache and strain – So if life’s journey has you weary and afraid – there’s rest in the shadow of His wings – I’ve walked through the valleys, the mountains and plains – I have held the hand of freedom that washes all my stains – If you feel the weight of many trials and burdens from this world – There’s freedom in the shelter of the Lord
I have seen the healing hand of God reaching out and mending broken hearts – Taste and see the fullness of His peace – and hold onto what’s being held out – the healing hand of God
I’ve touched the scars upon his hands to see if they were real – He’s walked the road before me – He knows just how I feel – When you feel that there’s not anyone who understands your pain – Just remember all of Jesus’ suffering – Cause I have seen the healing hand of God reaching out and mending broken hearts – Taste and see the fullness of his peace – and hold on to what’s being held out
Cast all your cares on Him for He cares for you – He’s near to the broken and confused – by His stripes our spirit is renewed- so enter in the joy prepared for you
I have seen the healing hand of God reaching out and mending broken hearts – Taste and see the fullness of His peace and hold on to what’s being held out – the healing hand of God
It’s the bridge that’s been causing me to think things over the last couple of hours – and really just the first few words of the bridge…
and part of me wonders if what I’m thinking makes me a bad Christian….or what….
The concept of casting all my cares on Christ – allowing Christ to take all my burdens….
Its’ not a foreign concept to me, and quite often has proven a faithful way of dealing with stress in my life. I’m not at all saying I don’t trust the truth in Christ taking care of my burdens – I know it’s a scriptural truth….
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Matthew 11: 28-30
So, don’t get me wrong…I totally get it…
But…does it make me a bad Christian when…sometimes….it’s just not enough?? I mean, sometimes I wonder…what it REALLY means to give my problems over to Christ. I mean, I can say God has total control of things….that if things are meant to be, they’ll work out the way they’re supposed to…whatever. But, I guess what I’m getting at – my problems just don’t magically go away.
I’m still in debt. I’m still without a job. My mom is still stressed. I still worry about my brother.
Don’t get me wrong – I have COMPLETE faith that God will work things out. Really, I do.
But, I wonder sometimes – what it means to lay it all down at the feet of Jesus – to give my burdens over for Him to carry. I mean…it’s not like it all just goes away…
Obviously I’m not expecting Jesus to pop up and just FIX everything. Obviously, it’s not like that…I mean, sure…it COULD be like that – but in reality it probably won’t be like that.
It’s not like I’m possessed by demons, or plagued with some incurrable disease…It’s not like I can’t work through some – most- of the issues I’m facing and find ways of dealing. It’s not like my “problems” are insurmountable in the least. In fact…despite the few things I’ve listed above, life is pretty good. I really have no room for complaint – I know I’m taken care of.
But, sometimes life sometimes feels like it’s just too much. and sometimes…
Sometimes…I feel like I’m pushing through the crowds…and I’m reaching out to touch the hem of Jesus’ robe in the hope that what few struggles I face may be aleved…if only a little…..
I imagine I’m really no different from most people. I can talk a good talk, can write a pretty impressive paper – if need be – and usually get my message across. However, the further I get – in life, in my family, in my blog even – I realize talking a good talk just isn’t enough. And rarely…talking a good talk NEVER gets the job done (whatever it is).
Prime Example:
I don’t know how many blogs I’ve written lately complaining about the state of the church, about my spiritual state, and about my general lack of freedom, of feeling, in worship. Granted, I realize I can’t MAKE myself feel something all the time, but I’ve come to realize I do a LOT of talking about the issues. I talk a lot about the things I want to see change in the church. I want to see a church that serves more, that quits spreading gossip, that expresses its love to others (and not just by updating facilities).
Despite all the talk, a month…two months…three months have gone by – and things are still the same. I’m still unhappy with the situation and the situation is no closer to improving.
Quite honestly – I’m tired of talking about it.
I’m not sure, really, what more can be said about it – or how many people would really take the time to read another blog of my complaints.
I just watched The Blind Side with my parents. Have been wanting to see that movie since it hit theatres. And while I see the predominating theme focusing on family, on protecting the ones you love, etc. I think the thing that sticks out the most to me is the one scene when the Touhy’s turn around and take Michael Oher home. It’s a simple act, they see a need and they act to provide.
And it gets me thinking, is all service THAT SIMPLE?? I mean…it is…isn’t it? It just takes one choice, one person to step out and do something – and one life can be changed. It’s really a simple message.
It’s the same message Christ spoke – before He ascended into Heaven with the Great Commission, and later through Paul, through James, through the Spirit today… you know…that little voice that tells you you should be doing something about…whatever Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says. Anyone who listens to the word but does no do what it says is like a man who looks at his face in a mirror and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like. But the man who looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom and continues to do this, not forgetting wha the has heard. but doing it – he will be blessed in what he does.James 1:22-26
What if we moved – What if we wandered – Took a reckless ride to the other side of the tracks – What if we knew somebody’s story – Would we write them off like a number on a check – Or could we be the only souls – Who take the time to love and find – The beauty in a nameless face
It just takes one – It just takes one – To step out from the crowd, and show what love is all about – One,it takes one To change a life forever,touch the world and make it better
So what if we moved with no hesitations – And learn to love the least of these without reserve – Let’s spark a change in this generation
– And let our actions speak louder than our words – And what if there’s a world in need of hope That only we can bring – Brighter than the midday sun
It just takes one – It just takes one – To step out from the crowd,and show what love is all about – One,it just takes one To change a life forever – touch the world and make it betterIt Just Takes One -Addison Road
It’s a scary thing – this idea of taking action, of being the one to step out and make the decision that something needs to be done. Quite frankly, I keep waiting for a time when it’s going to be easier for me to find a way to take action – for…let’s face it…a job. (For some reason, I think a job will make it easier – simply because I’ll have more resources available – I guess). But, I’m not so sure waiting for my “prime opportunity” is what’s needed of me right now.
So…basically what I’m saying is…it’s time to stop talking…
It’s time to take action – it’s time to strip away the fear…or at least push through it…and do something to impact the world.
Please pardon this second Miley Cyrus post – I know I said I wasn’t much of a fan…but I also said I’d never read Twilight – and we know how long that lasted. Given the direction of this second post, we’ll leave my fan status of Cyrus on the back burner. For now, let’s focus on the media – that being the song…and really the movie as a whole – of which I think there’s equally enough to be taken away (message wise, that is).
So, Friday night I went to Georgetown with some good friends and saw Cyrus’ new movie “The Last Song,” and while I find the love story quite gripping, I find myself more intrigued by the father-daughter-relationship that forms throughout the story. In some ways it’s had me evaluating the relationship I have with my father – but more over it’s had me thinking about my relationship with THE Father.
And in just as many ways, as I’ve listened…and relistened to Cyrus’ song from the movie, I’ve discovered the, though typical, but eloquently worded verses to capture not only a human love, but a love that can reach so much further…a love so broad, and so wide that I can’t even really begin to comprehend.
It’s not a big secret that I’ve never been kissed. I actually joked about it this weekend, that I’ve actually perfected one virtue of becoming a nun (as there was an article in the Lexington Herald featuring a nun’s journey to…ordination??) Anyway…my comprehension of anything outside of familial love has never reached anything outside of a distant crush.
I remember, actually, the one boyfriend I had in high school and how I told him I loved him – not because I meant it, but because he said it to me and expected me to say it back – actually wouldn’t hang up the phone until I DID say it. I was a freshman…I was young…I mumbled the three words and hung up as quickly as possible.
It strikes me as…odd…and probably actually saddens me more than anything how easily the words “I love you” are tossed around – how kids are certain their boyfriends/girlfriends of the moment are the love of their lives – and how easily lives are shattered when *gasp* the romance doesn’t last. (Sorry for my snarkastic tone – I may be a little…bitter…skeptical…uh…for lack of a better word – hardened to the idea of love, right now).
I know true love exists, don’t get me wrong. But, so often that kind of relationship is taken so lightly and so…nonchalantely that it surprises me when people are surprised and hurt when it doesn’t last. Maybe that’s why I (and so many others) flock to movies like “The Last Song” – because in movies…you’re left with a hope…with an idea that “happily ever after” really exists. (I mean, “Never Been Kissed” is like the ultimate theme-movie for my life right now – has been ever since it came out). But, let’s be real….life’s nowhere near the quality of a movie romance….at least not as far as I’ve witnessed.
But this love relationship – this thing I keep holding out for – isn’t something to be taken lightly. To me, it’s not worth jumping from one relationship to the next hoping this guy is the one. Granted, it’s not like I’ve had a lot of opportunities. And while I wait for this love to happen…I guess I’m content working to comprehend and grasp onto the love of my Father.
You know, there’s a lot in love songs these day that I find can easily reflect the love of God for mankind (and vice versa). This other-worldly feeling that comes over me when I know someone knows me to the core, this unspoken understanding that, despite my situation, someone will be there to help me pick up the pieces.
I think a lot of people, myself included, have trouble grasping this concept of a loving Father, a loving God simply because He can’t be seen – the hurt is still there, the pain is still present, and relief isn’t always instantaneous.
In many ways, God’s love is soooo different from anything we can experience on this planet – and maybe I sound like every other preacher that’s ever said anything on this subject – but in many ways, God’s love is exactly the same. I mean, our love is an extension of God’s love…and I think in that way we can understand maybe just a little bit more than we think.
But, I’ve always liked the way the letters of John put it –
How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are!1John 3:1
This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, since God so loves us, we also ought to love one another.1John 4:9-11
And this is love: that we walk in obedience to his commands. As you have heard from the beginning, his command is that you walk in love. 2John 1:6
So what does it mean to walk in love??
“Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.” This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: “love your neighbor as yourself.” Matthew 22: 37-39
Love is expressed through action – you show someone you love them by what you do. It’s no different with God – God wants to see us live out our love for Him like He lived out His love for us – so live a life worthy of being called a child of God.
Come close – listen to the story – about a Love more faithful than the morning – The Father gave His only Son just to save us – the earth was shaking in the dark – all creation felt the Father’s broken heart – tears were filling Heaven’s eyes – the day that True l\Love died – the day that True Love died – when blood and water hit the ground – walls we couldn’t move came crashing down – we were freed and made alive – the day that True Love died – the day that True Love died – search your heart – you know you can’t deny it – come on – lose your life just so you can find it – the Father gave his only Son just to save us – the earth was shakingin the dark – all creation felt the Father’s broken heart – tears were filling Heaven’s eyes- the day that True Love died – the day that True Love died – when blood and water hit the ground – walls we couldn’t move came crashing down – we were freed and made alive – the day that True Love died – the day that True Love died – Now Jesus is alive – Jesus is alive – Jesus is alive – He rose again -Phil Wickham True Love
I had to do some digging, but I found this old blog I posted on MySpace back in 2007 – so I thought I’d share it again…
It’s hard to think about Holy Week and NOT think about pain. I mean, the week is slowly working toward Good Friday…which just made me think…isn’t that the REAL “black Friday”?
Anyway…
I was just thinking about how hard it must be for some to try and make this story real…to actually make it a reality. I mean…I don’t know how many times I’ve read through the final chapters of the gospel of John…
The disciples, the ones who spent every waking hour with Jesus couldn’t comprehend what was happening…even with Jesus explaining it to them. Sure, these guys probably weren’t the most educated men in the world…but seriously, how hard could it be to understand, “you see me now, but you won’t see me tomorrow, but you’ll see me again in three days….”
We’ve all seen the images of the Passion that Mel Gibson so vividly put on film. We’ve seen James Caveziel give a commanding performance…bringing “new life” into the character of Christ…making it a reality for our generation!
So, how do we make the ressurection something just as real? How do we get passed the fluff of…Jesus died for you and me…and really drive home the message of the gospel?
How do we explain what the Holy Spirit feels like? How do we…
I know what it feels like in my own life. I know what the power of knowing and claiming the Truth and Majesty of Easter morning feels like! I know how GLORIOUS it feels to wake up on Easter morning and just feel….different. I know this…because I’ve felt it…because I FEEL it…
What a burden it had to be on Jesus…to have God completely turn His back on Him for those final hours…
But what a JOY to know that Death isn’t the end but the beginning!
This is what it feels like... 