So, I realize the whole idea of keeping a blog…the whole point is to actually utilize it…I mean, the whole idea for this was for me to write down some thoughts, maybe brainstorm with some creative writing…or something.
I’ve failed…and failed dismally, if I do say so myself – and I do.
I can’t help it really – given my current situation. It seems repetitive and redundant to write day-in-and-day-out about the massive amounts of NOTHING going on in my life right now. I mean, at least right now it feels like nothing. I guess maybe a year down the road (assuming I’m actually employed and thriving at that time) I’ll look back at this “dark night of the soul period of my life” and really see how God has worked and shaped me into someone new and more mature.
But, seriously…right now I got nothin’ – my mind is a blank void of empty nothingness.
I can’t even get myself past the nothingness to actually write on this novel I’ve been telling everyone I’m writing. I’m in the same place I was back in May when I finished school. It’s pretty ridiculous, really. The fact that I’ve been sitting around for five months now and haven’t done a thing with my writing.
Dr. Hurlow would just shake her head at me. Dr. Brown would be so disappointed….
Actually – I haven’t exactly done nothing. I did get five new pages “written” for chapter three!! I say “written” because it was already written…like over a year ago – I just copied and pasted it into a new document and did some proofing….and some major deleting and editing…
I’m kind of in crisis mode, though. I keep putting it off hoping I really won’t have to resort to it…hoping that God is really going to work some of His majic and find me a job before I resort to desperate measures… ie. cashiering…
I’m so afraid to go back to cashiering! I have to admit it. I really….really….REALLY don’t want to cashier again.
I keep trying to make a tally of how much money I have, how long I can keep scraping by with my loan payments – how much longer I can go without actually earning a paycheck…and it’s getting scary.
If I keep it up – my savings will be gone and when it does get time for me to move out…I’ll have no money to set myself up.
I’m sure I can wait a couple more weeks, really…I mean, I have a feeling if I go to Ken’s and talk with someone, I’d be able to get a job fairly easily (assuming they’re hiring any more people). But, the thought of wearing that stupid red smock again is demeaning…it terrifies me…regardless of how temporary the job may be.
I hate the idea of getting back on at Ken’s and then finding a job within a couple weeks…okay…maybe it’s more of an ideal situation…but, still…
and the thought of working at Wal-Mart is even more terrifying…
Don’t ask me why.
I really just want things to fall into place already. I’m tired of being patient. I’m tired of waiting for God to make His move. I feel like I’m doing all the work here…working to keep faith…working to stay positive with the idea that my place in ministry is out there. I’m tired…I’m poor…and I’m really sick of feeling like a kid.
I go everywhere with my parents.
I don’t have a car.
I’m completely dependent…and it sucks.
Yeah – remember the other day when I said I kinda missed high school…at least the whole idea of not having to worry about debt…and all the crappy adult stuff…
forget it! I miss adulthood….I miss having control over the things I should have control over!
I’ve neglected my Compassion Sponsor child for four months now because I haven’t had the money to pay – and now I’m going to have to neglect her for Christmas! I FAIL!!!
If I drop out…will Compassion take me back as a sponsor when I DO get a job? I mean…if they don’t, wouldn’t that kind of be going against who they say they are??
I should probably contact them and let them know what’s going on. I wanted to cry the other day because I got a letter from my kid in the Phillipines…and she asked me if I ever planned to make a visit…
What do I say to her???
The only bright spot in my life as of late?? Paperbackswap.com!! Free book exchanges!!! I’ve gotten 50 some books for FREE because I give mine away!!! It’s freakin’ amazing!!! Although…I’m completely in the book-collecting stage of things right now. I’m totally working toward the reading part of it, though. I, again, feel like a failer, though…simply because with all this time – I’ve still managed to take two months to read one book!!
I soooo suck right now!!
This is what it feels like... 